Dave Pundit

Hi, I'm Dave Doctor. I'm Dave Pundit's doctor. And yes that does make me Dr Doctor. And yes I've heard all the jokes. In fact it's got to the point that when someone says something along the lines of Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains I commit them to an asylum due to the fact that they've just admitted they're delusional. Anyway I'm afraid I have a bit of bad news regarding my patient Dave Pundit. After a successful operation to remove his displaced testicle from his head and then an a slighty less successful one replacing it after he complained we were hopeful that Dave would make a full recovery. Unfortunately the news last week that Roy Hodgson has been made England manager was too much for Dave to take and he has slipped into a coma. His final words before slipping into unconsciousness were: Not another bloody foreigner. We have tried many methods to revive him, some less conventional than others. His brother brought in a tape of his favourite sounds; the sound of the Mersey lapping against the shore, a collection of John Terry interviews and the sound of a Frenchman's fibula snapping. Sadly, nothing has worked so far. So it was suggested that I made a plea to his internet followers to pray for Pundit. I, however, do not believe in prayer, I am a man of science and I can assure you that the only way we can help Dave is through sound medical practice. That or we sacrifice a goat to the Sun God Ra. #sacrificeagoatforpundit

Dave Pundit's Predictions 28/04/12

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Firstly I'd like to thank all the people who wished me well after my unfortunate collapse last week. I'm still in hospital but the doctors think I should be able to make a complete recovery. Apparently my body had decided to reject my left testicle which then passed into my bloodstream and got lodged in my brain, causing me to go a bit crazy. They removed the testicle from my head but it didn't work, as I kept on thinking that Arsene Wenger had actually done quite a good job at Arsenal. After 3 nights of this horrific delusion I asked the doctors to put the ball back but apparently they'd already sent it off for tests. So now I'm waiting to have a silicon implant put in its place. I will endeavour to ensure that my predictions are as clear and rational as always. Everton v Fulham I would never have predicted Everton to get a result against Man Utd last week but to come back from 4-2 down to clinch a draw was an admirable effort and one that blew the race for the title wide open, but wouldn't it be just like football to see Everton slump to a defeat here against lesser opposition? It's a funny old game. Sorry that's a terrible cliche. It's a funny old game. 110%. Funny 110% old game. Over the moon. Literally. Funny. Moon. Verdict: 0-1 Stoke v Arsenal Ah a true clash of footballing styles the ugly against the beautiful. The physical v technical but who will triumph? STOKE!!!! Can't do it on a wet Wednesday, Tuesday, Saturday, winter, ROSWELL!!!! Stoke. Van Persie's been good this year hasn't he? He brings a touch of class to the premiersh-STOKE!!! BREAK THEIR LEGS YOU GLORIOUS GIANTS! Verdict: 1-0 Sunderland v Bolton Even when I had my grip on sanity I wouldn't have cared about this game. CHEESE STRINGS! Replace my testicle! PLEASE! Verdict: 1-1 Swansea v Wolves Did I ever tell you my father was Welsh? Lovely place it is. Full of beautiful STEAMING ARSEHEADS! I really think Wolves could stay up this year, Terry Thomas has done a wonderful job there. Verdict: 1-3 West Brom v Aston Villa A derby match, and one with added pressure as Villa's slump to the bottom of the league continues. It just goes to show if you park the bus you have to make sure it's big enough to cover the whole goal. FULL OF GRIT. GRIT AND ENGLISHNESS. GRINGLISHNESS. Alex McGRINGLISH will save the Villa. Roy Hodgson you git you killed Liverpool. LIVERPOOL! Verdict: 0-0 Wigan v Newcastle Wig wam bam gonna make you my man. Ah the nurse is here. Would you like to share my wigwam? You're a fine Geordie lass aren't you? You're from Sunderland you say? Never heard of it. These drugs make my arm taste good. Verdict: 1-1 Norwich v Liverpool Liverpool, that's where I grew up you know. I've never been to Norwich but I did once see Delia Smith in a Waterstones. She was signing books, who knew she could write. I don't think she's really from Norwich. Lovely Liverpool. Ferry cross the Mersey. Penny Lane. You'll never walk alone, which is sometimes a shame really. NO IT'S NOT! NO! NOTHING ABOUT LIVERPOOL IS A SHAME! NOT EVEN ANDY CARROLL! Verdict: 0-1 Chelsea v QPR John Terry, the human equivalent of a testicle in the head. He made the ultimate sacrifice for his team, he knew they'd have to get 10 men behind the ball against Barcelona so he made it simple for his teammates by not having that pesky eleventh player on the field making the maths more difficult. Anyway he's not that sort of player you know. If he'd meant to knee Sanchez in the back he would've paralysed him. GRIT! GRIT! GRIT! Verdict: 2-0 Tottenham v Blackburn Tottenham are my team of the year. Except for all the other better teams of course. Not Blackburn though, they smell of wee. Hehehehehehehe I HATE THIS WORLD! Verdict: 3-0 Manchester City v Manchester United NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER. Verdict: 2-2 Hello there, Julian Pundit here again. I can only apologise for my brother. Hopefully he'll die soon. Us Pundit's love a stiffy.

Dave Pundit's Predictions 21/04/12

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. What a week for English football as Barcelona were outplayed and outscored by Chelsea. Chelsea didn't waste time with any of that passing the ball nonsense or having shots or any of those tiring things that foreigners do instead of playing the game how it's supposed to be played. You know what they say, if you want to be the best you have to beat the best, well Barcelona failed. Arsenal v Chelsea Chelsea have just proved that tippy tappy football doesn't beat a strong defence, and you don't get much stronger than John Terry. In many ways he's like Popeye, except John Terry doesn't eat spinach, he chews grit and he doesn't care about girls like Olive Oyl. He likes girls with tits. Verdict: 0-2 Blackburn v Norwich This has to be Blackburn's biggest game of the season. Not because Norwich are rivals or because they're one of the big teams, their not, it's a big game because if Blackburn lose this then they'll only have a few games left to turn around their season. It doesn't come much bigger than that. Apart from the other few games obviously. Whatever happens here Blackburn's fate won't be decided until the last game of the season and that will be the biggest game for them. This one, against a bunch of inbreds with 97 digits on all 8 of their hands, will pail into insignificance. Verdict: 1-1 Bolton v Swansea If ever there was a team that deserved to beat Swansea it's Bolton. Because Bolton are English. In fact all teams deserve to beat Swansea. Welsh gits. Verdict: 2-0 Fulham v Wigan People have been banging on about what great form Wigan are in. So they beat Arsenal? Big deal, if you make two foreign teams play each other then one of them is bound to win. Not like English teams. And as for the fact that they play an 'unusual' 3-4-3 formation, so what? My teams often played with 3 in defence after I got sent off. Verdict: 2-1 Newcastle v Stoke In years to come these two fine British institutions will sit at the top of the league looking down at all of the dross beneath them and revelling in their English glory. My English glory doesn't seem to be working at the moment. But on the plus side if you don't come, then you don't have to pay the hooker, that's the way I see it. Verdict: 0-0 QPR v Tottenham Was it a goal, wasn't it a goal? It's impossible to say, unless you're Tottenham in which case you'd say it wasn't. QPR may be down on their luck but I don't think they'll ever know the pain a dodgy decision by a referee like that one. Still it all balances out in the end so Tottenham will probably get all the ref's decisions here. Or they will if Redknapp lower his high moral standards a bit and slip the ref a bung. Verdict: 0-2 Manchester Utd v Everton Redknapp should take a leaf from Fergie's book, he obviously knows how to get the refs to give his team all the decisions. Man City may have tried to buy the league but Fergie just bought the referees. That's why he's the best manager in the world after John Terry. Verdict: 2-1 Liverpool v West Brom Liverpool have won the FA Cup and Carling Cup this season and proved that you don't have to win the league to earn the love and respect of everyone. We should all raise our glasses to the finest team in the world, Liverpool. Now let's hope they destroy Roy Hodgson for once and for all. Literally. I hope they stab him in the eye. Verdict: 8-0 Wolves v Man City STAB HIM IN THE EYE! SCREW YOU HODGSON! I'LL EAT YOUR FACE OFF, WOY! Hi, Julian Pundit here, Dave's brother. I've just found him lying on the kitchen floor, frothing at the mouth. Now I've seen more than my fair share of men with white fluid in their gobs but this didn't look half as good as that. I better take him to hospital. Oh and Man City. I think I've been to that club. I scored. And they will too against those nasty Wolves. I prefer a bear myself. Verdict: 0-3

Dave Pundit's Predictions

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. A trip to Wembley can only mean one thing: FA Cup Final day. Or that time I went to see Celine Dion. I'll tell you what, she was so good I waited until the encore before I started throwing cups of my urine at the stage.

Liverpool v Everton
So here it is the most hotly anticipated FA Cup Final in recent history. A derby match no less. I'd say it was too close to call if it wasn't for the fact that Liverpool are head and shoulders above Everton. You only have to look at the league to see that. Liverpool are the kind of team that challenge for 4th whereas Everton are mid-table at best. Of course league form counts for nothing in these games but you can't discount the fact that the table doesn't lie, except when it puts Arsenal in 3rd because that can't be true, they've been rubbish all year. You also have to remember that Liverpool have won a cup final already this year so they know what it takes to draw this kind of game and still pick up a trophy and I can see that skill being essential here.
Verdict: 1-1 (Liverpool to win on penalties)

Tottenham v Chelsea
Wait, why are they playing other games on cup final day? I refuse to accept this. This is another shocking decision by the FA. First they don't ban Balotelli for what was a horrendous challenge on some bloke from Arsenal, studs showing, knee high, over the ball and he still couldn't break his leg. There's no place for that in football. And now this, other matches on cup final day. It's outrageous. No wonder John Terry is feigning injury and refusing to play. He's a man of true moral fibre and no mistake. In honour of his brave stand I refuse to make any more predictions.

Announcement

Due to strict religious adherence there will be no Dave Pundit's Predictions over the Four Day Boozefest period.

Dave Pundit's Predictions 31/03/12

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. The question of referee bias has reared it's ugly head again and I can't see what all the fuss is about, of course the big teams get all the decisions, that's how it should be. If football was meant to be fair then we wouldn't let idiots be referees. Imagine if penalties were given at Old Trafford, where would it lead? Referees giving fouls when Jamie Carragher hauls someone down in the box? English players penalised for diving? John Terry being sent off in every single match? It would be a travesty. You'd end up with a tinpot team winning the league, or worse, a foreign one like Arsenal or Swansea.

Aston Villa v Chelsea
Aston Villa this season have produced some of the dullest, most defensive, negative football I've ever seen and yet they're still languishing at the bottom of the table. There's just no justice in the world. Chelsea on the other hand have been trying to play a more fluent passing game and it's meant they're struggling to get in the top four. However John Terry's back so he'll sort them out. There won't be any passing when he's in the team. Pass is just another word for surrender and John Terry's no Frenchman. He's English. So English that he grows roses from his chest and bleeds Tetley Tea. Villa haven't got a hope here.
Verdict: 0-1

Everton v West Brom
Someone told me that David Moyes has now been at Everton for over ten years. That's quite an achievement, if he keeps this up he might even make it to a decade. The chances of Roy Hodgson staying at a club for 10 years is just ridiculous. No chairman's that stupid, not even a brummie one. He'll be gone this summer.
Verdict: 2-0

Fulham v Norwich
Both of these clubs have already done enough to keep them from the drop, not mathematically of course but that has nothing to do with football. Football isn't about numbers, it's about getting a greater amount of goals than the other team which equates to a greater accumulation of points in the league table. Where maths comes into that I just can't see it just doesn't add up. Still if either team hits a bad run of form who knows what will happen, they won't go down I don't think there's enough points to play for for that to happen but it could be close. I have no way of working these things out.
Verdict: 1-1

Man City v Sunderland
The pressure looks like it's getting to Man City and that's because of some shaky home form. It's at the part of the season when they can't afford to slip up, if you're going to slip up then you should do it early but City didn't do that, they started the season in blistering form, the fools. It's that sort of inexperience that makes me think they won't win the league this year. Next year they'll know exactly when to be rubbish and they'll do a lot better.
Verdict: 1-1

QPR v Arsenal
Djibril Cisse has been sent off twice since he joined QPR in January but even that commitment hasn't been able to stop them sliding down the table. However they should be able to stop the rot against an Arsenal side who haven't been able to find any sort of consistency this year at all and now Robin Van Persie is in the midst of a goal drought I just can't see where the goals will come from.
Verdict: 1-0

Wigan v Stoke
Wigan's win at Liverpool was the flukiest bit of flukiness since the Earl of Fluke invented fluking. Luckily luck won't have anything to do with this game. Fortune favours the brave and you don't get much braver than Tony Pulis. Who bravely sacrificed paying a speeding ticket for the people of Stoke. With any luck they'll destroy Wigan.
Verdict: 1-0

Wolves v Bolton
It's been a tough time for the Bolton players, I can remember how difficult it is to play when one of your team mates is fighting for his life. You ask yourself if there was anything you could've done, if it was in some way your fault but in the end you have to say to yourself "No. If he hadn't slept with my mother in the first place I never would've stabbed him." Wolves on the other hand have had it easy, they've just had to cope with having their strong British manager, Mick McCarthy, being replaced by some Irish man called Terry O'Connor.
Verdict: 0-2

Newcastle v Liverpool
If someone had told me at the start of the season that this would be a top of the table clash I would've laughed in their face. But that's exactly what it is. This will be an emotional return for Andy Carroll, it'll be difficult for him to play against the team that gave him his start and then allowed him the opportunity to move to the greatest team in the country. Fortunately he'll be on the bench so it won't be so bad.
Verdict: 1-2

Tottenham v Swansea
Tottenham have had a brilliant season by anyone's standards and a few games of poor form doesn't change that. A good season isn't just about how many points you score it's about being the sort of team that the media like. Harry Redknapp knows that. In fact just last week he leant out of his car window to talk to me. What a laugh we had when I had to explain I don't actually work in the McDonald's drive through I was just arguing with the manager about him refusing to allow me to add vodka to a choclolate milkshake to make a cheap White Russian.
Verdict: 2-0

Blackburn v Man Utd
It's winning these sort of games that is the true mark of a champion. Beating the dross is what it's all about. And I can't see Man Utd ever losing to Blackburn. Man Utd are Champions and have always been Champions. Blackburn are not and have never been. That's the difference. This one might be close, end of the season games are always nervy affairs, but I'm sure all the decisions will go in Man Utd's favour so they have nothing to worry about here.
Verdict: 0-1

Dave Pundit's Predictions 24/03/12

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Sometimes in football something happens that makes you realise that there are more important things in life than the beautiful game. Truly tragic events that unite everyone in grief. Liverpool losing 3-2 to QPR was one of those times. Thank God I've still got my booze to get me through.

Chelsea v Tottenham
What a battle this is going to be. The third best team in the league versus the fourth best team. Tottenham have the England manager in charge of them and thankfully Chelsea have seen the light and appointed an Englishman to be in charge of them. John Terry ably assisted by Frank Lampard is the dream duo. They're the most English couple since Torvill and Dean, but luckily neither of them is a giant, nappy wearing duck. For that reason alone I think John Terry will edge this one.
Verdict: 2-1

Arsenal v Aston Villa
Arsenal have been poor all season and quite frankly it's far too late to turn things around now. Villa haven't been at their best all year but there's still plenty of games left for things to change and that change will start here.
Verdict: 1-2

Bolton v Blackburn
When I saw Fabrice Muamba collapse on the pitch last week I was as shocked as anyone. I've never met him, or even heard of him, but I wish him all the best in his recovery. I heard when he woke up he was speaking English and French, which must've been a bit of a worry. Hopefully he's just back to English now. Anyway Bolton have made the right decision to get back to playing football. It's what Muamba would want, I'm sure. And I think they'll win this one for him.
Verdict: 1-0

Liverpool v Wigan
Liverpool won the Carling Cup remember? That proves that they're one of the best teams in England. Proves it. Wigan have been languishing at the bottom of the table all season and I just can't see one of the best teams in England losing to a team in the relegation zone, can you?
Verdict: 2-0

Norwich v Wolves
Not enough has been said about how well Norwich have done this season. I mean it really is incredible. Now I've been criticised in the past for some apparently disparaging comments I've made about Norwich fans and I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise if I've caused any offence. Luckily I don't think any of them can read so I doubt I've upset them really. Wolves have been absolutely shocking recently. I'm not sure Terry Connor is the man to manage them. Sure he was good in Terry and June but that's no basis for being a football manager is it?
Verdict: 1-0

Sunderland v QPR
After he was booed by his own fans Joey Barton responded by saying form is temporary, class is permanent. But he better hope QPR's form holds out because if their class kicks back in he'll be playing Championship football next season, which will be a real shame because without him the Premier League will be short one more good old fashioned midfielder who isn't afraid to put the boot in to someones face.
Verdict: 1-1

Swansea v Everton
Everton have had a bit of a slump in form recently. There's no shame to losing to Liverpool of course but to not even score against Arsenal's porous defence is a tragedy. Still they should be able to get back on track against this male voice choir masquerading as a football team.
Verdict: 0-2

Stoke v Man City
This will probably be City's toughest test in the run in and their win against Chelsea will give them a boost going into it. However I think Mancini letting Tevez back into the team is a sign of weakness. When a manager told me I was never going to play for a club again, I never played for that club again. And I respect that. He should take a leaf from Tony Pulis's book and challenge any player who disagrees with him to a fight. That'd shut them up sharpish.
Verdict: 1-1

West Brom v Newcastle
Newcastle are still pushing for a Champions League spot and though that might be a bit to much of an ask they should still be able to see off a side managed by Hodgson. This week I heard that he's been touted as a future England manager. The idea is laughable, haven't we had enough foreigners in charge of the national team? Hodgson proved at Liverpool he can't cope with the big jobs, quite frankly anyone who can't get Liverpool into the top four is a joke.
Verdict: 0-2

Man Utd v Fulham
Man Utd have hit form at just the right time and I can't see anyone catching them now. In Wayne Rooney they have easily the best striker in the country at the moment and behind him they have a wealth of good English talent like Scholes and Giggs. With those two in the team I can see them maintaining their success for years to come. Fulham will also be at this match but they might as well not bother.
Verdict: 3-0