Dave Pundits Predictions 23/04/09

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Steve Claridge phoned me up the other day to say my Diploma in Punditry was running out and I needed to pay an extra two grand to renew it. I laughed in his face and said I'll get someone else to do it cheaper but I've asked around and can't find anyone else who does the diploma so I guess I'll have to cough up the dough. I'm not happy about it though, that's a weeks worth of beer money.

Bolton v Aston Villa
All credit to Bolton, at the start of the season they were playing a dire, ugly brand of football and looked like going down but they've stuck to their guns and that same ugly football has pretty much got them to safety. Villa, on the other hand, got a bit big for their boots started to try and play 'attractive' football and that's been their downfall. Let's hope they don't do anything so daft at the Reebok.
Verdict 0-0

Everton v Man City
Everton seem to have been in 6th place for ever but recently they've been rocketing up the table and a good result here could put them in 5th and it literally doesn't get better than that. Man City are awful away from home so I won't even bother mentioning them. I don't give Man City any chance whatsoever.
Verdict 2-0

Fulham v Stoke
Stoke are another team that have got themselves out of trouble. They are now a stones throw away from trouble, and I don't mean a Rory Delap type throw. I mean a real person throwing a stone. I went to the park this week to see how far I could throw a stone. I forgot to bring a tape measure but I stood at the gate and managed to knock a kid off the swings in the play area which must be about 20 yards or something. I was quite happy with that.
Verdict 1-1

Hull v Liverpool
Liverpool have been scoring goals for fun and with Carragher at the back it's not like they're likely to leak goals or anything. I can see them getting a hatfull here. But can they go on to win the league? Well of course they can, they're Liverpool.
Verdict 0-4

West Brom v Sunderland
West Brom are down and anyone who says different is a fool. They haven't got a hope in hell. Although obviously they're not mathematically relegated of course and it's a fool who writes off a team when they can still get the points for survival. But West Brom are down. They're more down than a pessimist on barbiturates. Down.
Verdict 0-1

West Ham v Chelsea
Petr Cech has conceded that Chelsea can't win the league. But he's foreign. I bet John Terry hasn't given up. Did St George give up when he was fighting the dragon? No he slayed it, like any good Englishman would. Englishmen don't give up, Frenchmen give up. And John Terry is the least French man ever. He makes Winston Churchill look like a garlic muncher.
Verdict 0-2

Man Utd v Tottenham
What a prospect this is; Ferdinand, Scholes and Rooney vs Woodgate, Jenas and Keane. It's a battle of the British spines. And when two spines collide the only outcome is a great game of football. Or some shattered vertebrae. Either way it'll be great.
Verdict 2-1

Arsenal v Middlesbrough
Everyone's been raving about Arshavin this week and sure he's another technically brilliant player at Arsenal but has he got goals in him? I don't think so. Arsenal need an new Ian Wright, there's not a foreigner in the game who could beat his scoring record. I think this could be an opportunity for Boro to get some much needed points.
Verdict 0-1

Blackburn v Wigan
The fixture list has saved the best 'til last. Or second to last if you count those stupid Monday night fixtures. This will be an absolute beauty. Steve Bruce and Sam Allardyce, does it get any more beautiful than that. Big Sam won't have to worry about foreigners making strange gestures at him here it'll just be good old English swearing and brilliant British football. They should tape this match somehow and show it to the whole world to see what real football is. Sadly that sort of idea is just pure fantasy. But this game will be so real it'll smack you in the face. Literally.
Verdict 0-0

Newcastle v Portsmouth
If Newcastle go down it will be a travesty for English football. They have some of the best fans in the world. If only they had the players to match. But at least with Shearer they've got the manager their fans deserve. He's proved himself with years of fine punditry work, that sort of experience isn't easy to come by. Or cheap. Ask Steve bloody Claridge.
Verdict 1-0
Verdict