Julian's Predictions 24/10/10

Hi Chaps, I'm Julian Pundit. I've decided to dip my toe into the waters of predictions again. And trust me when I dip something in I like to go the whole way. Well wasn't the Carling Cup exciting this week? I've never seen so many big boys outed in such a short period of time.

Man City v Chelsea
Last year this fixture was blighted when Wayne Bridge wouldn't shake John Terry's hand because he'd done the dirty with his ex. I found the whole thing so vulgar. Imagine sleeping with a woman. Ewwww.
Verdict 1-1

Arsenal v West Brom
I've got a new found respect for Arsenal since I heard what a party animal Vela was. But a six month ban just for inviting a tranny is homophobia plain and simple. Thank God not all countries are as prejudiced against transvestites. Spain pick one up front every game.
Verdict 3-1

Birmingham v Wigan
I love Birmingham. Just like them I've also got a ball ring. Wigan will make a good fist of this one but I expect the Brummies defenders to stand firm against all of Wigan's advances.
Verdict 1-0

Blackpool v Blackburn
All these football teams with similar names. It's so hard to tell them apart. I generally have to resort to identifying them by the length of their balls. Blackburn have huge long ones, but Blackpool like to play with their short ones. And as I always say it's not the length of the ball it's what you do with it that counts.
Verdict 2-1

Fulham v Everton
David Moyes is under pressure due to Everton's bad start to the season. The knives are drawn. I've been in the position where someone wants to stab you in the back before and it's the waiting that's the worst. Then they get going and it's just the best.
Verdict 1-1

Liverpool v Sunderland
When I was growing up there were two ways out of Liverpool, football or showbiz. I took the showbiz route. And there's not a day I don't thank God that I chose the life of a cruise ship entertainer. Oh yes I love to cruise. But sometimes I look at all those spunky boys in shorts and I think maybe football was the life for me. Then I see Steve Bruce's face and I dismiss that idea.
Verdict 2-0

West Ham v Tottenham
The Hammers look to be picking up pace after a slow start but Spurs will be a tough test. I don't know what that means I just read it on a website somewhere. That'll teach me for not checking my spelling when I put 'ham spurt' into Google.
Verdict 1-1

Bolton v Man Utd
Until I heard about Bolton I thought a coil was the only thing worth putting in a woman but it turns out a Coyle is also a manager. I just hope he's never been in a woman because he is buff. Alex Ferguson isn't as much of a catch and he looks like he can hold his drink, never a good sign for someone like me. You can't have nearly as much fun with a straight guy who doesn't let his inhibitions drop.
Verdict 1-2

Wolves v Aston Villa
This is a bit of a black country derby. And you know what they say once you've had black you never go back. And once you've had country you'll never try cunt again. Or something. Anyway Villa to win I guess.
Verdict 1-3

Newcastle v Stoke
I used to go out with a guy I called Geordie. He wasn't from the north east but boy could he nuke arseholes. Now if only could think of some kind of euphemism for Stoke...
Verdict 2-1