Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. The FA Cup is the ultimate footballing tournament. Unlike the Champions League it can't be tainted by foreigners using fancy dan passing moves. It can only be won by a true English team. It can also be won by true underdogs as Cardiff proved last year by coming runners up.
This year Everton are the underdogs but unlike Cardiff they aren't facing a rubbish team like Portsmouth, they're facing Chelsea. Let's not forget if it wasn't for Man Utd and Liverpool Chelsea would be the best team in England and therefore the world.
And they have John Terry. The FA Cup could have almost been made for John Terry. He is literally the grittiest player I have ever seen. I imagine he eats pure granite for breakfast, lunch and dinner and then has a cup of cocoa before bed, just to settle his iron stomach.
John Terry is so English he makes Richard The Lionheart look French. He's so British that he can only be described as a Brit because the 'ish' makes it look less definite. He's so strong he could arm wrestle Geoff Capes with his eyes. And win.
In fact I doubt John Terry has ever lost in his life. Maybe Man Utd could have done with him against Barcelona. I can't see Terry slipping up in a Champions League Final. And he certainly wouldn't have let Eto'o come inside him like Vidic did. No, if anything it would have been Terry shafting Eto'o, and I for one would've paid good money to see that.
John Terry is such an amazing leader that it doesn't even matter that Chelsea have a Dutch bloke for a manager. What do the Dutch know about football? In England we eat, drink and sleep football, it's in our blood. It's almost total football, what would the Dutch know about that? They're too busy smoking funny stuff to care. You wouldn't catch me poisoning myself like that. It'd probably play havoc with my new liver anyway.
Back to the match, I think it'll be close right up until kick off and then Chelsea will walk it. And when we see John Terry lift that famous trophy above his head we'll all be able to raise a glass to a true Englishman, safe in the knowledge that he'll celebrate his victory in a manner befitting the England captain. He'll get wasted and punch a bouncer.
Verdict Chelsea 2 - Everton 1
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John Terry is so English he makes Richard The Lionheart look French. He's so British that he can only be described as a Brit because the 'ish' makes it look less definite.
ReplyDeleteIn fact I doubt John Terry has ever lost in his life. Maybe Man Utd could have done with him against Barcelona.
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Dave, this is your finest ever. Excellent!
No doubt this is the best one you've ever done. You must have been holding back all the one-liners for this one. Sadly I guess that's going to be the last one for a while? Or is Dave Pundit going to give us weekly transfer updates? (Please!)
ReplyDeleteI'm new to this, where exactly is your arse and how may I kiss it?
ReplyDelete(Just trying to fit in you understand)