Hi Chaps, I'm Julian Pundit. I've decided to dip my toe into the waters of predictions again. And trust me when I dip something in I like to go the whole way. Well wasn't the Carling Cup exciting this week? I've never seen so many big boys outed in such a short period of time.
Man City v Chelsea
Last year this fixture was blighted when Wayne Bridge wouldn't shake John Terry's hand because he'd done the dirty with his ex. I found the whole thing so vulgar. Imagine sleeping with a woman. Ewwww.
Verdict 1-1
Arsenal v West Brom
I've got a new found respect for Arsenal since I heard what a party animal Vela was. But a six month ban just for inviting a tranny is homophobia plain and simple. Thank God not all countries are as prejudiced against transvestites. Spain pick one up front every game.
Verdict 3-1
Birmingham v Wigan
I love Birmingham. Just like them I've also got a ball ring. Wigan will make a good fist of this one but I expect the Brummies defenders to stand firm against all of Wigan's advances.
Verdict 1-0
Blackpool v Blackburn
All these football teams with similar names. It's so hard to tell them apart. I generally have to resort to identifying them by the length of their balls. Blackburn have huge long ones, but Blackpool like to play with their short ones. And as I always say it's not the length of the ball it's what you do with it that counts.
Verdict 2-1
Fulham v Everton
David Moyes is under pressure due to Everton's bad start to the season. The knives are drawn. I've been in the position where someone wants to stab you in the back before and it's the waiting that's the worst. Then they get going and it's just the best.
Verdict 1-1
Liverpool v Sunderland
When I was growing up there were two ways out of Liverpool, football or showbiz. I took the showbiz route. And there's not a day I don't thank God that I chose the life of a cruise ship entertainer. Oh yes I love to cruise. But sometimes I look at all those spunky boys in shorts and I think maybe football was the life for me. Then I see Steve Bruce's face and I dismiss that idea.
Verdict 2-0
West Ham v Tottenham
The Hammers look to be picking up pace after a slow start but Spurs will be a tough test. I don't know what that means I just read it on a website somewhere. That'll teach me for not checking my spelling when I put 'ham spurt' into Google.
Verdict 1-1
Bolton v Man Utd
Until I heard about Bolton I thought a coil was the only thing worth putting in a woman but it turns out a Coyle is also a manager. I just hope he's never been in a woman because he is buff. Alex Ferguson isn't as much of a catch and he looks like he can hold his drink, never a good sign for someone like me. You can't have nearly as much fun with a straight guy who doesn't let his inhibitions drop.
Verdict 1-2
Wolves v Aston Villa
This is a bit of a black country derby. And you know what they say once you've had black you never go back. And once you've had country you'll never try cunt again. Or something. Anyway Villa to win I guess.
Verdict 1-3
Newcastle v Stoke
I used to go out with a guy I called Geordie. He wasn't from the north east but boy could he nuke arseholes. Now if only could think of some kind of euphemism for Stoke...
Verdict 2-1
Friday 24 September 2010
Friday 27 August 2010
Julian Pundit's Predictions
Hey there, I'm Julian Pundit, my brother used to play for Liverpool, but he probably never mentioned me. We had a bit of a falling out one Christmas when I gave him a salmon pink shirt. Now I never played football but I was the head (and only) cheerleader for my school team so I thought I'd try and fill the gap my late brother left behind. And if there's one thing I'm good at it's filling gaps.
Blackburn v Arsenal
Arsene Wenger is worried about the physical nature of the Blackburn team but I'd love to get physical with them. Apparently they have very long balls. Mmmmmm.
Verdict: 1-0
Blackpool v Fulham
Blackpool aren't my cup of tea. I've had an aversion to pools ever since I went to a party at Michael Barrymore's house. I think Fulham will give them a jolly good trashing the lucky devils.
Verdict 0-3
Chelsea v Stoke
I've always been a big fan of Ashley Cole's but it must be hard for him now his wife has left him, she's simply fabulous. Still if Ashley needs help with his hardship I would bend over backwards for him. I'd bend over forwards too.
Verdict 2-0
Tottenham v Wigan
Tottenham absolutely spanked Young Boys in mid-week. It reminded me of a film I made when I was just out of school actually. I think Wigan will be on the receiving end of a similar punishment.
Verdict 3-1
Wolves v Newcastle
I went for a night out in Newcastle once. I never thought the sight of so many topless men would repulse me so much. Vertical stripes are slimming guys, keep the tops on eh? Apparently Barton has shaved off his moustache too. I don't approve and neither would my brother. It was the one thing we agreed on.
Verdict 1-0
Man Utd v West Ham
There's nothing finer than men united. Although since Ronaldo left I haven't been able to muster up the same sort feeling for them. Still I very idea of trying to muster up similar feelings for Avram Grant makes me sicker than Nicole Ritchie after a big meal.
Verdict 2-0
Bolton v Birmingham
Owen Coyle is trying to inject himself into those rugged Bolton boys and I think that can only be a good thing. Birmingham are strong and full of spunk. This is my kind of match.
Verdict 2-2
Liverpool v West Brom
Well I'm a Liverpool boy as you know, but I'm glad the players don't have the perms anymore. A man should only have a perm if he's pre-op. Speaking of which, I'm sure I used to know Fernando Torres when he was a man.
Verdict 1-0
Sunderland v Man City
Man City have really splashed the cash, and nothing turns a boy's head like a man with money. Although if I had £150m I wouldn't be wasting it on the likes of Yaya Toure, I'd buy David Beckham and lock myself in a room with him. I think I'll have to go for Sunderland for this match though just out of solidarity for Darren Bent.
Verdict 2-1
Aston Villa v Everton
Aston Villa is in Birmingham isn't it? I like Birmingham. I've often taken a stroll down Cadbury Avenue it has to be said. As for the toffeemen I like my men like I like my toffee. Hard and sticky. Ooh I can't come between these two.
Verdict 1-1
Blackburn v Arsenal
Arsene Wenger is worried about the physical nature of the Blackburn team but I'd love to get physical with them. Apparently they have very long balls. Mmmmmm.
Verdict: 1-0
Blackpool v Fulham
Blackpool aren't my cup of tea. I've had an aversion to pools ever since I went to a party at Michael Barrymore's house. I think Fulham will give them a jolly good trashing the lucky devils.
Verdict 0-3
Chelsea v Stoke
I've always been a big fan of Ashley Cole's but it must be hard for him now his wife has left him, she's simply fabulous. Still if Ashley needs help with his hardship I would bend over backwards for him. I'd bend over forwards too.
Verdict 2-0
Tottenham v Wigan
Tottenham absolutely spanked Young Boys in mid-week. It reminded me of a film I made when I was just out of school actually. I think Wigan will be on the receiving end of a similar punishment.
Verdict 3-1
Wolves v Newcastle
I went for a night out in Newcastle once. I never thought the sight of so many topless men would repulse me so much. Vertical stripes are slimming guys, keep the tops on eh? Apparently Barton has shaved off his moustache too. I don't approve and neither would my brother. It was the one thing we agreed on.
Verdict 1-0
Man Utd v West Ham
There's nothing finer than men united. Although since Ronaldo left I haven't been able to muster up the same sort feeling for them. Still I very idea of trying to muster up similar feelings for Avram Grant makes me sicker than Nicole Ritchie after a big meal.
Verdict 2-0
Bolton v Birmingham
Owen Coyle is trying to inject himself into those rugged Bolton boys and I think that can only be a good thing. Birmingham are strong and full of spunk. This is my kind of match.
Verdict 2-2
Liverpool v West Brom
Well I'm a Liverpool boy as you know, but I'm glad the players don't have the perms anymore. A man should only have a perm if he's pre-op. Speaking of which, I'm sure I used to know Fernando Torres when he was a man.
Verdict 1-0
Sunderland v Man City
Man City have really splashed the cash, and nothing turns a boy's head like a man with money. Although if I had £150m I wouldn't be wasting it on the likes of Yaya Toure, I'd buy David Beckham and lock myself in a room with him. I think I'll have to go for Sunderland for this match though just out of solidarity for Darren Bent.
Verdict 2-1
Aston Villa v Everton
Aston Villa is in Birmingham isn't it? I like Birmingham. I've often taken a stroll down Cadbury Avenue it has to be said. As for the toffeemen I like my men like I like my toffee. Hard and sticky. Ooh I can't come between these two.
Verdict 1-1
Friday 29 January 2010
Dave Pundit 1955-2010
David Herbert Pundit was born in 1955 in Preston. He was best known for his almost 6 appearances for Liverpool Football Club before making a largely unsuccessful transfer to Tranmere Rovers. He was raised almost single-handedly by his mother after his father abandoned them to live with his mistress in France. At the age of 4 Dave and his mother moved to Liverpool as Mrs Pundit worked by the docks. Dave instantly took to his new home city, citing the influence of the many 'uncles' his mother would introduce to him as a major factor in his youth.
Unable to return to his home between the hours of 6 and 9pm due to his mother's entertaining Dave spent a large amount of his childhood playing football in the street. Despite no discernible talent Dave did have the advantage of being almost freakishly large. Later in his life he would proudly boast of breaking his first opponents leg at the age of 10, three hours after his first drink of whisky.
In 1969 Dave Pundit signed as a youth to Liverpool F.C under a bizarre Liverpudlian law which stated that any young man who couldn't play music must be able to play football. This law was scrapped shortly after Dave's first appearance for the youth team.
Dave played in the heyday of footballing alcoholism and he was no stranger to the drink himself. After turning up to one training session four days late and in the wrong country he was placed on the transfer list. He was eventually snapped up by Tranmere in what was described as "probably the most mediocre transfer of all time". However after breaking their star striker's leg on his first day at the club he struggled to ingratiate himself with both the fans and the club's management.
During his time at Tranmere Dave's alcoholism became much worse and he managed to go through two marriages, although he always denied the first one happened as he never knew his wife's name. It lasted six years.
After retiring from football Dave struggled to find gainful employment. His attempts at football management blighted by his inability to grasp any of the basic precepts of tactics or man-management. He was sacked from his one and only job at non-league Telford United after punching his chief scout for suggesting he signed a foreigner.
In 2004 Dave had a successful liver transplant and promised that he would treat his new one with respect. From then on in he only drank Premium lagers.
In the last couple of years of his life Dave discovered the world of punditry after a chance encounter with Steve Claridge in a pub. Dave used up his life savings to pay Steve Claridge to get him a Diploma of Punditry. Probably the only one in existence. Although no major broadcaster had the courage to sign Dave due to his forthright views Dave found a home on the Internet where his predictions were loved and derided in equal measure.
Dave sadly passed away on a friend's stag do in Dublin after walking into a pub and proclaiming Robbie Keane to be England's finest uncapped player. Despite the doctors best attempt to revive him the trauma to his head was too severe and he was pronounced dead in the early hours of Thursday morning.
Dave is survived by his current wife Anastasiya and his two sons Barry and Dave Junior and his daughter Valium. He will also be remembered by his Internet fans who will never again be able to hear his famous introduction; Hi, I'm Dave Pundit.
Goodbye, Dave Pundit. R.I.P
Unable to return to his home between the hours of 6 and 9pm due to his mother's entertaining Dave spent a large amount of his childhood playing football in the street. Despite no discernible talent Dave did have the advantage of being almost freakishly large. Later in his life he would proudly boast of breaking his first opponents leg at the age of 10, three hours after his first drink of whisky.
In 1969 Dave Pundit signed as a youth to Liverpool F.C under a bizarre Liverpudlian law which stated that any young man who couldn't play music must be able to play football. This law was scrapped shortly after Dave's first appearance for the youth team.
Dave played in the heyday of footballing alcoholism and he was no stranger to the drink himself. After turning up to one training session four days late and in the wrong country he was placed on the transfer list. He was eventually snapped up by Tranmere in what was described as "probably the most mediocre transfer of all time". However after breaking their star striker's leg on his first day at the club he struggled to ingratiate himself with both the fans and the club's management.
During his time at Tranmere Dave's alcoholism became much worse and he managed to go through two marriages, although he always denied the first one happened as he never knew his wife's name. It lasted six years.
After retiring from football Dave struggled to find gainful employment. His attempts at football management blighted by his inability to grasp any of the basic precepts of tactics or man-management. He was sacked from his one and only job at non-league Telford United after punching his chief scout for suggesting he signed a foreigner.
In 2004 Dave had a successful liver transplant and promised that he would treat his new one with respect. From then on in he only drank Premium lagers.
In the last couple of years of his life Dave discovered the world of punditry after a chance encounter with Steve Claridge in a pub. Dave used up his life savings to pay Steve Claridge to get him a Diploma of Punditry. Probably the only one in existence. Although no major broadcaster had the courage to sign Dave due to his forthright views Dave found a home on the Internet where his predictions were loved and derided in equal measure.
Dave sadly passed away on a friend's stag do in Dublin after walking into a pub and proclaiming Robbie Keane to be England's finest uncapped player. Despite the doctors best attempt to revive him the trauma to his head was too severe and he was pronounced dead in the early hours of Thursday morning.
Dave is survived by his current wife Anastasiya and his two sons Barry and Dave Junior and his daughter Valium. He will also be remembered by his Internet fans who will never again be able to hear his famous introduction; Hi, I'm Dave Pundit.
Goodbye, Dave Pundit. R.I.P
Friday 15 January 2010
Dave Pundit's Predictions 16/01/09
Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. In my day football wasn't about money, or who owned the club, or even about who won what. Liverpool won everything so that was all that mattered. Football's really gone to the dogs if you ask me. I blame Satellite TV, if they didn't show it all over the world none of the foreigners would've ever heard of football and we wouldn't be in the mess we're in.
Stoke v Liverpool
Gerrard out. Torres out. Benayoun out. Actually I'm not to fussed about Benayoun to be honest but you do have to ask where the goals are going to come from against a strong Stoke side. Luckily Liverpool still have quality players like Mascherano, Carragher and Reina so they should be alright.
Verdict 0-2
Chelsea v Sunderland
Sunderland have taken a few big scalps this season but Chelsea won't be one of them. Not with John Terry in the side. I'm not even sure he has a scalp. From his eyes up it's just solid rock.
Verdict 3-0
Manchester United v Burnley
Man Utd haven't been in great form but isn't that the true sign of champions? Burnley away have been rubbish and just because they've got a new manager in won't change a thing. It never does.
Verdict 2-0
Portsmouth v Birmingham
Portsmouth looked a bit better when Avram Grant came in, a new manager will do that every time. But now they're back in the doldrums and I can't see them getting out of them. Alex McLeish has been touted as a possible successor to Rafa Benitez, it's a bit early for all that but at least he's English.
Verdict 0-1
Tottenham v Hull
I was shocked when I heard Harry Redknapp was arrested for tax evasion. I can't imagine him every being involved in financial irregularities. And I've thought that ever since he slipped me a tenner to let him score in a charity match we played in. I think he had a couple of grand riding on the result so it was the least I could do.
Verdict 2-0
Wolves v Wigan
At the start of the season I tipped Wolves to go down. What was I thinking? Mick McCarthy is as British as they come whereas Martinez is as foreign as his name suggests. Let's hope Wolves stuff 'em.
Verdict 1-0
Everton v Manchester City
After a slow start Moyes' men look like a force to be reckoned with. Man City on the other hand may well lose some of their defensive strength now that Hughes has left and some Spaniard or something is in charge. This could be a thriller.
Verdict 0-0
Aston Villa v West Ham
Martin O'Neill v Gianfranco Zola. As players it wouldn't have even been a contest. Zola would've run rings around O'Neill right up until he booted him up in the air. And as managers O'Neill is just as strong. Villa will walk this.
Verdict 2-0
Blackburn v Fulham
This is a proper British match. It's almost a derby match, if it wasn't for the fact that the teams are from different ends of the country and have no real connection other than being mid-level premiership teams. What a scorcher!
Verdict 1-1
Bolton v Arsenal
Owen Coyle will want to get off to a flyer here and there's no reason why he shouldn't. He no longer has to rely on fancy, lightweight, talented footballers so he can realise his true potential at Bolton. Arsenal won't enjoy this match. I don't think they've ever beaten Bolton.
Verdict 2-1
Stoke v Liverpool
Gerrard out. Torres out. Benayoun out. Actually I'm not to fussed about Benayoun to be honest but you do have to ask where the goals are going to come from against a strong Stoke side. Luckily Liverpool still have quality players like Mascherano, Carragher and Reina so they should be alright.
Verdict 0-2
Chelsea v Sunderland
Sunderland have taken a few big scalps this season but Chelsea won't be one of them. Not with John Terry in the side. I'm not even sure he has a scalp. From his eyes up it's just solid rock.
Verdict 3-0
Manchester United v Burnley
Man Utd haven't been in great form but isn't that the true sign of champions? Burnley away have been rubbish and just because they've got a new manager in won't change a thing. It never does.
Verdict 2-0
Portsmouth v Birmingham
Portsmouth looked a bit better when Avram Grant came in, a new manager will do that every time. But now they're back in the doldrums and I can't see them getting out of them. Alex McLeish has been touted as a possible successor to Rafa Benitez, it's a bit early for all that but at least he's English.
Verdict 0-1
Tottenham v Hull
I was shocked when I heard Harry Redknapp was arrested for tax evasion. I can't imagine him every being involved in financial irregularities. And I've thought that ever since he slipped me a tenner to let him score in a charity match we played in. I think he had a couple of grand riding on the result so it was the least I could do.
Verdict 2-0
Wolves v Wigan
At the start of the season I tipped Wolves to go down. What was I thinking? Mick McCarthy is as British as they come whereas Martinez is as foreign as his name suggests. Let's hope Wolves stuff 'em.
Verdict 1-0
Everton v Manchester City
After a slow start Moyes' men look like a force to be reckoned with. Man City on the other hand may well lose some of their defensive strength now that Hughes has left and some Spaniard or something is in charge. This could be a thriller.
Verdict 0-0
Aston Villa v West Ham
Martin O'Neill v Gianfranco Zola. As players it wouldn't have even been a contest. Zola would've run rings around O'Neill right up until he booted him up in the air. And as managers O'Neill is just as strong. Villa will walk this.
Verdict 2-0
Blackburn v Fulham
This is a proper British match. It's almost a derby match, if it wasn't for the fact that the teams are from different ends of the country and have no real connection other than being mid-level premiership teams. What a scorcher!
Verdict 1-1
Bolton v Arsenal
Owen Coyle will want to get off to a flyer here and there's no reason why he shouldn't. He no longer has to rely on fancy, lightweight, talented footballers so he can realise his true potential at Bolton. Arsenal won't enjoy this match. I don't think they've ever beaten Bolton.
Verdict 2-1
Friday 8 January 2010
Dave Pundit's Predictions 09/01/10
Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. A lot of games recently have been called off due to the adverse weather. I find this ridiculous. In my day our only concession to snow was to have yellow balls. But we were allowed to smoke more back then.
Arsenal v Everton
I bet Arsenal were glad that the game against Bolton was called off mid-week. The foreign legion at Arsenal wouldn't have been up for that. How would a Russian like Arshavin have coped in the freezing cold? Everton will have to take advantage of Arsenal's legendary inability to play when things are a little bit difficult for them.
Verdict 1-2
Birmingham v Man Utd
Birmingham have been very impressive recently. Grit, determination and a British manager. Man Utd also have grit, determination and a British manager so on paper it looks pretty even. But Man Utd will win it because they're Man Utd.
Verdict 0-2
Burnley v Stoke
Without Owen Coyle in charge Burnley might stop playing passing football and resort to being an old fashioned, ugly, dull side that are happy to have 10 men behind the ball at all times, just like Stoke. Marvellous.
Verdict 0-0
Fulham v Portsmouth
Portsmouth are in so much trouble it's almost not worth talking about them.
Verdict 2-0
Hull v Chelsea
Hull will keep fighting until the bitter end I'm sure and that is to their credit. Any team that doesn't give it their all in every game doesn't deserve to stay up. However they'll struggle against Chelsea who don't need the likes of Drogba, Essien or Kalou to be great. They've got John Terry. He provides strength in depth all on his own. If I was Hull I wouldn't even bother turning up.
Verdict 0-3
Sunderland v Bolton
Gary Megson has been very harshly done by in my opinion. Bolton have been thuggish, uninspiring, boring and dour. What more could you ask for? Sure, they haven't reached the heights of Sam Allardyce's reign but it would be hard for any manager to keep up that level of thuggish, uninspiring, boring and dour brilliance.
Verdict 1-0
Wigan v Aston Villa
What has happened to Wigan? Last season this sort of fixture would have been tough even for a team with an English core like Villa but this year it'll be a walk in the park. It would be easy to blame it all on Roberto Martinez. Easy and right.
Verdict 1-3
Liverpool v Tottenham
What a match this should be. The mighty Liverpool could really do their charge up the league the power of good here but it won't be easy against Spurs' British spine of Dawson, Jenas and Keane. Liverpool will just edge it but they could really do with a striker like Keane to help out Torres in my opinion.
Verdict 2-1
West Ham v Wolverhampton
Now if Mick McCarthy ever had an opportunity to play a weakened team this is it. The Hammers are a shadow of their former selves with Gianfranco Zola in charge who ironically is so short he probably doesn't even cast a shadow.
Verdict 0-1
Man City v Blackburn
Mancini has had a good start at City but this will be his first real challenge. Can he cope watching his team being literally murdered in front of his eyes? I doubt it. Foreign jessie.
Verdict 1-2
Arsenal v Everton
I bet Arsenal were glad that the game against Bolton was called off mid-week. The foreign legion at Arsenal wouldn't have been up for that. How would a Russian like Arshavin have coped in the freezing cold? Everton will have to take advantage of Arsenal's legendary inability to play when things are a little bit difficult for them.
Verdict 1-2
Birmingham v Man Utd
Birmingham have been very impressive recently. Grit, determination and a British manager. Man Utd also have grit, determination and a British manager so on paper it looks pretty even. But Man Utd will win it because they're Man Utd.
Verdict 0-2
Burnley v Stoke
Without Owen Coyle in charge Burnley might stop playing passing football and resort to being an old fashioned, ugly, dull side that are happy to have 10 men behind the ball at all times, just like Stoke. Marvellous.
Verdict 0-0
Fulham v Portsmouth
Portsmouth are in so much trouble it's almost not worth talking about them.
Verdict 2-0
Hull v Chelsea
Hull will keep fighting until the bitter end I'm sure and that is to their credit. Any team that doesn't give it their all in every game doesn't deserve to stay up. However they'll struggle against Chelsea who don't need the likes of Drogba, Essien or Kalou to be great. They've got John Terry. He provides strength in depth all on his own. If I was Hull I wouldn't even bother turning up.
Verdict 0-3
Sunderland v Bolton
Gary Megson has been very harshly done by in my opinion. Bolton have been thuggish, uninspiring, boring and dour. What more could you ask for? Sure, they haven't reached the heights of Sam Allardyce's reign but it would be hard for any manager to keep up that level of thuggish, uninspiring, boring and dour brilliance.
Verdict 1-0
Wigan v Aston Villa
What has happened to Wigan? Last season this sort of fixture would have been tough even for a team with an English core like Villa but this year it'll be a walk in the park. It would be easy to blame it all on Roberto Martinez. Easy and right.
Verdict 1-3
Liverpool v Tottenham
What a match this should be. The mighty Liverpool could really do their charge up the league the power of good here but it won't be easy against Spurs' British spine of Dawson, Jenas and Keane. Liverpool will just edge it but they could really do with a striker like Keane to help out Torres in my opinion.
Verdict 2-1
West Ham v Wolverhampton
Now if Mick McCarthy ever had an opportunity to play a weakened team this is it. The Hammers are a shadow of their former selves with Gianfranco Zola in charge who ironically is so short he probably doesn't even cast a shadow.
Verdict 0-1
Man City v Blackburn
Mancini has had a good start at City but this will be his first real challenge. Can he cope watching his team being literally murdered in front of his eyes? I doubt it. Foreign jessie.
Verdict 1-2
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