Dave Pundit's Predictions 29/08/09

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. People often ask me why the modern footballer complains of being tired when we're only two weeks into the season. I have to say if they're anything like me it's because they've got a raging hangover. Although these days the players could just have a vodka and Red Bull in the morning and they'd be fine. So it remains a mystery I guess. Perhaps they're just soft? I never complained of tiredness myself. I just went for a kip and hope the manager didn't need to sub me on too early in the game.

Chelsea v Burnley
Chelsea are the favourites for the title and that is only right and proper. It would be an insult to John Terry if his team weren't favourites. The man is literally a born winner. He came out and straight away put in perfectly timed challenge on the midwife. Snapped her leg in two. Glorious. This will be Burnley's toughest test so far and one they'll fail miserably.
Verdict 2-0

Blackburn v West Ham
West Ham's fans were disgraceful at Millwall this week. I blame Gianfranco Zola, he's clearly brought the hooligan element of the Italian 'Ultras' with him, I can't imagine the Hammer's fans would've ever got into trouble before he came along. I hate hooliganism, there's no place for violence in sport. Let's hope Big Sam's Blackburn boot the West Ham players off the park.
Verdict 1-0

Bolton v Liverpool
It's far to early to write Liverpool off. You only have to look at their past record to show that they are always genuine contenders for the league. It's no secret that I played almost six games for this fine club and unlike most former Liverpool players turned pundits I have to say I really think this year could be their year.
Verdict 0-2

Stoke v Sunderland
Now this is the sort of fixture I can really get my teeth into. It'll be a true British match, full of grit, determination and a total lack of finesse. What more could anyone ask for? Maybe someone who could launch a throw in from one end of the pitch to the other. Which match has also got. It really has got it all.
Verdict 0-0

Tottenham v Birmingham
Tottenham have had a fantastic start to the season but they have to remember this is a marathon not a sprint. And there's only one way to win a marathon; have a strong English spine. Let's face it, Paula Radcliffe wouldn't have got far without her spine would she? And quite frankly Jermain Defoe, Jermaine Jenas and Ledley King are looking more like Paula Radcliffe every day.
Verdict 3-1

Wolves v Hull
It would be easy not to care about this fixture.
Verdict 0-1

Man Utd v Arsenal
Eduardo's blatant dive was probably the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. And I once woke up half way through my own liver transplant. In my day you no one dived. You just took the tackle, and the resulting broken leg, like a man. Quite frankly if someone broke Eduardo's leg I doubt he'd ever get over it.
Verdict 2-1

Portsmouth v Man City
Many people have questioned whether Lescott was worth £24m. Well of course he was. He's an England international for God's sake. That instantly triples your worth. Real Madrid paid £80m for Ronaldo and he's never played for England. Lescott was a bargain. Portsmouth will struggle against City's new look English spine of Lescott, Barry and Bellamy.
Verdict 0-2

Everton v Wigan
Everton have had a dreadful start to the season and the loss of Lescott will only hamper them more, they might have signed Diniyar Bilyaletdinov but I can't see that doing much except annoy commentators. Wigan have been a bit hit and miss so far and they need to recover last seasons form unfortunately for them they no longer have an Englishman in charge so they may well struggle.
Verdict 2-2

Aston Villa v Fulham
Villa were lucky to beat Liverpool last week. I imagine both teams will attempt to play fast flowing football, quick passing and good movement. Hopefully the fans won't be too disappointed.
Verdict 2-1

Dave Pundit's Predictions 22/08/09

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. The new season is well under way and already questions are being asked as to which manager will be the first to get sacked. I remember when I first started at Tranmere my gaffer was under a lot of pressure because everyone thought he had screwed up in the transfer market over the summer. But he didn't quit, that just wasn't his style. He had a nervous breakdown and had to take medical retirement.

Arsenal v Portsmouth
A lot of people have condemned Portsmouth to relegation already but not Tony Adams, who as far as I'm aware was the last Englishman to play for Arsenal. I have to say I agree and I can see Pompey getting their campaign on track here. Let's face it they're not going to be intimidated by the Arsenal fans are they? It's so quiet at the Emirates you could hear a mouse trump.
Verdict 0-1

Birmingham v Stoke
I expect this to be a tough battle for both teams. It'll literally be a fire and brimstone affair. In fact I imagine there'll be more injuries than goals. All in all it has the makings of a true classic.
Verdict 0-0

Hull v Bolton
Birmingham v Stoke, Hull v Bolton could this be the best week of fixtures ever? The problem for Hull is defending and the problem for Bolton is that referees pick on Kevin Davies. But what do they expect he makes typical strikers tackles, clumsy and dangerous. He just needs to get rid of the clumsiness and then he'll be fine. But he's a forward who's willing to do his bit for the time and get stuck in. Let's face it that's far more important than these fancy dan foreign strikers with their 'goals' and 'assists'.
Verdict 0-1

Man City v Wolves
It would be easy to say that newly-promoted Wolves will go straight back down. So that's just what I'll do. Newly-promoted Wolves will go straight back down.
Verdict 2-0

Sunderland v Blackburn
Seriously, if I wasn't such a man I'd cry with delight at the fixture list. But I am a man, and so are most of the players in these two teams. I mean any team with Steve Bruce as a manager has to be manly. What's more manly than the name Bruce? And as for Big Sam what a manly nickname that is. I had a girlfriend nicknamed Big Brenda once, and she turned out to be a man.
Verdict 1-1

Wigan v Man Utd
Man Utd's loss against Burnley was a mere blip. Their spine is far to strong and English to be upset like that again. They just need to get rid of that Vidic chap and bring in a good English defender like Jonny Evans and they'll be sorted. Wigan haven't got a chance.
Verdict 0-3

West Ham v Tottenham
Harry Redknapp returns to his former club and I bet they wish they still had him in charge rather than some jumped up little Italian dwarf. Tottenham are sitting pretty at the top of the league and I can't see anyone displacing them. They are nailed on to clinch 4th spot in my book.
Verdict 0-2

Burnley v Everton
Everton were destroyed by Arsenal's quick passing game last week and I for one was disgusted. Why didn't David Moyes just resort to hacking Arsenal off the pitch? It's the English way. Let's not forget though that Everton finished 5th last year. I just don't think Burnley could ever hope to beat a team of that calibre.
Verdict 0-1

Fulham v Chelsea
Let's face it this isn't a proper local derby is it? Liverpool v Man Utd that's a proper local derby. This is just a couple of teams from an overpriced part of London poncing around. Well it would be if it wasn't for John Terry. He's like a local derby all on his own. In fact I'd go one step further I'd say John Terry is his very own civil war.
Verdict 0-3

Liverpool v Aston Villa
Both teams have had slow start to the season but Liverpool proved that they're still contenders with their 4-0 win in midweek. Villa on the other hand couldn't even beat Rapid Vienna. Quite frankly times are bad when you can't even beat a mid table German team.
Verdict 3-1

Dave Pundit's Predictions 15/08/09

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. The first day of the season always throws up some surprises and not just for the players. I remember one year no one was more surprised than my Liverpool gaffer when I turned up on the first game. I was fit, I was sober and I'd been sold to Tranmere the week before.

Aston Villa v Wigan
Aston Villa broke many hearts last season when they couldn't take 4th spot from Arsenal. I, for one, was livid. And this year they've lost their talismanic captain, Gareth Barry. I only found out he was talismanic recently. It came as quite a shock, I'd always thought he was English. Still they should be strong enough to destroy a Wigan team that have been severely weakened by bringing in a foreigner as a manager.
Verdict 3-0

Blackburn v Man City
A lot of people think Mark Hughes has gone crazy in the transfer market this summer. Adebayor, Tevez, Santa Cruz. They can't all partner Craig Bellamy.Although they are all foreign so one golf club to the head from the Welsh wizard and they'll be demanding a transfer so perhaps he's wise to have back up. The problem is can all the signings gel? Not against Big Sam's Blackburn I fear. If anyone knows how to get dirty with Hughes's gel it's him.
Verdict 1-0

Bolton v Sunderland
Sunderland are bound to improve now they've got rid of the foreign sounding bloke and brought in Steve Bruce. What could be more English than the name Bruce? The last bloke was called Ricky, which sounds suspiciously Australian to me. However, Sunderland will have their work cut out against Bolton who will literally fight to the death. That's what football should be about.
Verdict 0-0

Chelsea v Hull
John Terry has proven his loyalty by turning down Man City's riches. What a guy. Not for him the fast cars, flashy lifestyle, the parties and the inevitable fights in night clubs that would come with all that cash. Oh no, that's not John Terry's style at all. He'll stay in virtual poverty at Chelsea because he can't betray the club he loves. God bless that man, he makes you proud to be British.
Verdict 2-0

Everton v Arsenal
I can't believe Joleon Lescott hasn't made more effort to force a move to City, think of all the beer he could buy on Man City's wages. Only an idiot would turn that down. Still Everton will be glad he's stayed. He's the lynchpin of their team. However, I'd fancy them to beat Arsenal's gallic midgets even without him. Quite frankly Arsenal need more strength, more height and less skilful players if they want to hold on to 4th place.
Verdict 1-0

Portsmouth v Fulham
Roy Hodgson was my manager of the season last year. Well apart from Alex Ferguson obviously. Fergie spent loads of money and won the league, not many managers can do that. Hodgson just got his team to play well. Many people have predicted Pompey to go down, but i think that's a bit premature, you can't make crazy guesses like that before a ball has been kicked.
Verdict 0-6

Stoke v Burnley
Can Burnley be this season's Stoke? Not if they try and play football they can't. Stoke have grit, determination and long throws. But not only that they also have determination, long throws and grit. Combine all those elements and what are you left with? Long throws, grit and determination. And that's what wins games. Not playing football.
Verdict 1-0

Wolves v West Ham
A lot of people have praised Gianfranco Zola for the job he's done at West Ham but to be honest I can't have any respect for a man who has to look up to your average jockey. Mick McCarthy is much taller and on that alone I think he deserves to keep Wolves up. He won't be able to, but he should at least get a win here.
Verdict 1-0

Man Utd v Birmingham
Everyone's favourite leg breakers Birmingham are back and if they start where they left off they'll do well this year. It'll take more than broken legs to stop Man Utd though. When David Busst broke his leg against them did they stop winning? No. When Keane shattered Haaland's knee did man Utd stop winning? No. Man Utd are made of tougher stuff and I'm sure we'll see them end a few more careers this season and still go on to win. That's what makes a team great.
Verdict 2-0

Tottenham v Liverpool
Since I found out that Robbie Keane was not British and in fact is Irish it's made it easier to understand why he failed at Liverpool. Let's face it the Irish and Liverpool don't mix. Luckily Spurs still have a good English contingent; Woodgate, Jenas and Bale. It won't be enough to beat Liverpool though. Liverpool are much stronger this year and that's because they came so close to winning last year. And let's face there's no better way for players to understand how to win the league than by not winning it the year before.
Verdict 1-2

Dave Pundit On The New Season

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. People often ask me how do I get through the dull, monotony of the summer without football to keep me entertained. Well it's really quite simple. When I get to the pub in the morning I go straight on to hard liquor rather than having a few beers first like I would during the season.

The Community Shield is less than a week away and the traditional curtain raiser will herald in a bright new season. In my day it was known as the Charity Shield which I found much more preferable. As an ex-footballer I was always more than happy to do my bit for charity. However, if I wanted to lend my services to the community I wouldn't have bribed the judge to let me off when I was up on a trumped up charge last month. The day I accept that it's illegal to follow your ex-wife back to her house, make a bivouac in her garden and scream up at her window about how she ruined your life is the day I die.

Of course I'm not the only one to have their day in court this summer. Steven Gerrard was also up in front of a judge. I find it truly ridiculous. First John Terry gets done for punching a bouncer and now this. They're English heroes, people. If they can't go around punching people in the face then who can? It's political correctness gone mad.

But we can put all this behind us now the football season is nearly here. It's been an exciting close season on the transfer front. Man City have spent big and not always wisely however I do think Gareth Barry will be a fine addition to their British contingent of Richards, Dunne and Given.

Man Utd have lost Ronaldo but have signed Michael Owen who I think has the ability to be even better than Ronaldo. He's suffered a lot with injuries but he's a proven goalscorer and he showed his true English grit by hating life in Madrid so much that he chose to live in Newcastle instead.

Of the other top four contenders Liverpool have the best chance and they will want to improve on last season and I think they have every chance. A friend told me this summer that he blamed Robbie Keane for Liverpool missing out last year. He called him an Irish buffoon. I was shocked and appalled. Robbie Keane is Irish? He's been lying to us all this time. Well Liverpool are better off without him.

You can't rule out Chelsea of course. With John Terry in defence they don't need any marquee signings. What loyalty he showed when he turned down Man City. Quite frankly City's attempts to just throw money at players to get them to play for a team with no history or pedigree is disgusting. John Terry is far better off at Chelsea.

Arsenal finished fourth last year but you can write them off this year. They've bought one player and he's foreign, young and not tall enough. When will they learn.

Finally what about the teams that have come up? Well I haven't really paid much attention to them in the past because everyone knows the Premiership is the only league that counts. However last time Birmingham were in the top flight they effectively ended Arsenal's push for the title when they broke Eduardo's leg so I felt it was harsh to force them to go down in the first place. Let's hope they maintain the violent tackling this season and stay up in the Premier league where they belong.

Here's to another year of gritty, determined football and horror challenges on fancy dans. That's what the British public want to see.