Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Sorry for the lack of predictions last week but it's been all go in the Pundit household recently. Channel 5 have been filming a pilot for a new reality show: The Only Way Is Pundit, following my family around for a couple of weeks. Unfortunately the show has now been binned after my brother Julian decided to show everyone his immaculate cockjazzle. I think mum must've dropped him on his head when he was little or something.
Everton v Liverpool
Having played in more than my fair share of Merseyside derbies - one - I can honestly say this is the biggest game of the year. It should be a cracking game mainly because Everton will be soundly thrashed. King Kenny will lead Liverpool to glory you mark my words. And I'd just like to say I've always had the utmost respect for his wife, the Queen.
Verdict: 0-3
Aston Villa v Wigan
Aston Villa are a good mid-table club not brilliant but not awful whereas Wigan are distinctly average. I think that gulf in class will show in this match and Aston Villa will literally walk it.
Verdict: 2-1
Blackburn v Man City
The big talking point of the week was clearly Carlos Tevez refusing to play for City in Europe. This is typical of the modern day foreign footballer. I never once refused to play. If I fancied a day off I just turned up to the match even more drunk than usual. Tevez behaviour was disgusting, I bet he's never even had a drink in his life. I hope Blackburn stuff them.
Verdict: 1-0
Man Utd v Norwich
Man Utd have had terrible luck with injuries but they've kept plugging away. There's no shame in a draw away to Stoke. We all know even the likes of Messi couldn't cope with the Brittania. In fact I doubt Messi would've got anywhere near Crouch for his goal. Norwich should try and follow Stoke's example and ditch any attempts to play football. Unfortunately I imagine they'll try and pass it and retain possession or something. You won't win anything like that.
Verdict: 2-0
Sunderland v West Brom
Sunderland have been pretty shaky at the start of the season and Titus Bramble's arrest won't help matters. Drugs I can understand but sexual assault? What on earth is wrong with footballers these days? With the amount of money they earn you'd think they could pay for a hooker. Still without Bramble's British grit at the back they might struggle to cope with West Brom's own British powerhouse, Shane Long.
Verdict: 1-2
Wolverhampton v Newcastle
Newcastle have been the suprise package in the league this year but Wolves have a few suprises of their own. Both teams have been punching above their weight and I think that's down to the managers Alan Pardew and Mick McCarthy you wouldn't catch either of them in a relegation battle. So two in-form teams, full of confidence and playing well, this should be a cracker, lets hope they cancel each other out completely.
Verdict: 0-0
Bolton v Chelsea
The Reebok Stadium used to be a fortress now it's more like a fort made by a child out of sofa cushions and blankets. But that fort will be crushed by Chelsea's bombardment. And leading that bombardment will be John Terry and he's the type that even if he can't breech your defences in a full on assault will smash your backdoor in as soon as look at you. He's an example to us all.
Verdict: 0-2
Fulham v QPR
As Winston Churchill said "If you're tired of London you're tired of life" and let's face it if you're not tired of life you're probably doing it wrong. Quite frankly I'm tired of London derby games. There seems to be one each week if I never see another one it'll be too soon.
Verdict: 1-1
Swansea v Stoke
Stoke are the archetypal English team, strong defence, big man upfront and a complete lack of skill. It makes you proud to be English. Swansea on the other hand are the archetypal Welsh team. Crap.
Verdict: 0-2
Tottenham v Arsenal
Now this is a proper derby game. The North London derby is always a good game and hopefully this year will be even better because Arsenal are terrible. Spurs should get a cricket score here. They've got a good English spine and a few crunching tackles from the likes of Ledley King should shatter Arsenal's French fancies' fragile knees.
Verdict: 1-0
Thursday 29 September 2011
Friday 16 September 2011
Dave Pundit's Predictions 17/09/11
Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. I noticed this week that the Rugby World Cup was on. I didn't watch it, I just happened to be in the pub at 8 in the morning and suddenly I had to queue to get my full Scotch breakfast. I heard afterwards that it was a tedious, boring, low scoring game anyway. I'll probably watch it this week. Anyway on with real sport.
Blackburn v Arsenal
In midweek Arsenal struggled to an embarrassing 1-1 draw in Europe, that's just not good enough. Apparently they also only fielded one Frenchman, so now they're not only a disgrace to England they're also a disgrace to their home nation. Let's hope Blackburn stuff them.
Verdict: 2-1
Aston Villa v Newcastle
The difference between these two teams is the way they're run, Aston Villa have some ridiculous yank in charge whereas Neecastle are a properly run English club with a great chairman. Luckily though Villa's boss has seen enough sense to appoint an English manager at last so this should be a close game.
Verdict 1-1
Bolton v Norwich
Bolton suffered a heavy defeat against Man Utd last time out, the fans must be wishing for a return to the good old days, Owen Coyle seems to insist on them playing football, you never got that with Gary Megson. Norwich got some bad decisions last week but you can't keep moaning about them. Just get on with it.
Verdict: 2-2
Everton v Wigan
Is it even worth Wigan turning up? The players might as well just give the game a miss and go to the pub. That's what my manager always told me to do for games against superior opposition anyway.
Verdict 2-0
West Brom v Swansea
I've still not worked out what country Roy Hodgson from, I mean what is that accent? Still at least they've got some good British steel up front in Shane Long. As for Swansea, you can say what you like about the Welsh.
Verdict: 1-0
Wolves v QPR
There seems to be a huge circus that follows Joey Barton around but let's hope he doesn't distract from what could be a real battle, with crunching tackles, red cards and bad behaviour. That's what football's all about not Joey Barton.
Verdict: 0-0
Tottenham v Liverpool
You can't blame Harry Redknapp for resting players midweek, he will have had both eyes on his toughest fixture of the season this weekend. As for Liverpool they got a lot of poor decisions last week and they have every right to complain. Jamie Carragher penalised for hauling someone down in the box? It's a disgrace, he's Jamie Carragher for God's sake, he can do whatever he likes.
Verdict: 1-2
Fulham v Man City
City will be licking their wounds after only managing a draw in Europe. Typical foreigner behaviour if you ask me. You wouldn't catch me licking a wound. I'm no wound licker me, in fact I'm whatever the opposite of a wound licker is. Anyway City will demolish Fulham's girly boys sadly.
Verdict: 0-3
Sunderland v Stoke
Winston Churchill said there are only two certainties in life: death and taxes. Unless you're Asamoah Gyan of course. All he has to look forward to is death. In football there are two certainties too. Rory Delap's long throw, Stokes long ball game and Sunderland not living up to expectations.
Verdict: 0-1
Man Utd v Chelsea
Utd have started brilliantly but this is there first real test. It'll be interesting to see how they do against another top four team. Chelsea of course have John Terry and he's a match for any team. He's a true England captain, he wouldn't go to a bar in New Zealand to throw dwarves, he's got a midget chucking pitch in his own house.
Verdict: 1-1
Blackburn v Arsenal
In midweek Arsenal struggled to an embarrassing 1-1 draw in Europe, that's just not good enough. Apparently they also only fielded one Frenchman, so now they're not only a disgrace to England they're also a disgrace to their home nation. Let's hope Blackburn stuff them.
Verdict: 2-1
Aston Villa v Newcastle
The difference between these two teams is the way they're run, Aston Villa have some ridiculous yank in charge whereas Neecastle are a properly run English club with a great chairman. Luckily though Villa's boss has seen enough sense to appoint an English manager at last so this should be a close game.
Verdict 1-1
Bolton v Norwich
Bolton suffered a heavy defeat against Man Utd last time out, the fans must be wishing for a return to the good old days, Owen Coyle seems to insist on them playing football, you never got that with Gary Megson. Norwich got some bad decisions last week but you can't keep moaning about them. Just get on with it.
Verdict: 2-2
Everton v Wigan
Is it even worth Wigan turning up? The players might as well just give the game a miss and go to the pub. That's what my manager always told me to do for games against superior opposition anyway.
Verdict 2-0
West Brom v Swansea
I've still not worked out what country Roy Hodgson from, I mean what is that accent? Still at least they've got some good British steel up front in Shane Long. As for Swansea, you can say what you like about the Welsh.
Verdict: 1-0
Wolves v QPR
There seems to be a huge circus that follows Joey Barton around but let's hope he doesn't distract from what could be a real battle, with crunching tackles, red cards and bad behaviour. That's what football's all about not Joey Barton.
Verdict: 0-0
Tottenham v Liverpool
You can't blame Harry Redknapp for resting players midweek, he will have had both eyes on his toughest fixture of the season this weekend. As for Liverpool they got a lot of poor decisions last week and they have every right to complain. Jamie Carragher penalised for hauling someone down in the box? It's a disgrace, he's Jamie Carragher for God's sake, he can do whatever he likes.
Verdict: 1-2
Fulham v Man City
City will be licking their wounds after only managing a draw in Europe. Typical foreigner behaviour if you ask me. You wouldn't catch me licking a wound. I'm no wound licker me, in fact I'm whatever the opposite of a wound licker is. Anyway City will demolish Fulham's girly boys sadly.
Verdict: 0-3
Sunderland v Stoke
Winston Churchill said there are only two certainties in life: death and taxes. Unless you're Asamoah Gyan of course. All he has to look forward to is death. In football there are two certainties too. Rory Delap's long throw, Stokes long ball game and Sunderland not living up to expectations.
Verdict: 0-1
Man Utd v Chelsea
Utd have started brilliantly but this is there first real test. It'll be interesting to see how they do against another top four team. Chelsea of course have John Terry and he's a match for any team. He's a true England captain, he wouldn't go to a bar in New Zealand to throw dwarves, he's got a midget chucking pitch in his own house.
Verdict: 1-1
Friday 9 September 2011
Dave Pundit's Predictions 10/09/11
Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Recovering from my death has been no bed of roses I can tell you. For a start it's hard to claim benefits when you're legally dead. Now I'm no scrounger, not like those immigrants who come over here and steal our jobs, but I gave 10 years of my life to football and even paid tax for some of it so I think I'm owed a bit back. Worse than that though is that I've been removed from the Anfield Alumni list and all the privileges that come with it. No longer can I park for free anywhere in Liverpool. No longer am I allowed to book a room at the Adelphi per hour and apparently it seems I'm no longer welcome to turn up at Jason McAteer's house at three in the morning with a stripper dressed as a nun on my arm and crash in his spare room. His elderly mother sleeps in there now it seems.
Arsenal v Swansea
It was proved in mid-week that England are far stronger than Wales, but it's yet to be seen how Arsenal's Frenchies will fare. Perhaps if Arsenal had one Englishman in their squad - or a Welshman even, they wouldn't have been humiliated by Man Utd but they don't so I can't see them beating Swansea - who's very presence in the league is a disgrace - either.
Verdict 1-1
Everton v Aston Villa
After the last prediction it's good to be dealing with solid, English teams again with solid English managers. Moyes and McLeish will both be desperate to prove that their clubs can cope with selling their best players, and Arteta. This should be a real barn stormer.
Verdict 0-0
Man City v Wigan
Man City have clearly tried to buy the title and I for one don't think it should be allowed. Foreign owners flashing the cash is the biggest scourge in football. God knows who owns Wigan but I guess they're foreign. Why else would they hire Martinez. Sadly City will destroy them.
Verdict: 4-0
Stoke v Liverpool
As admirable as Stoke's attempts to buy everyone in football who is over 6' 2" is they will still be no match for the mighty Liverpool who's new owner has come in and wisely decided to buy the title. Top bloke.
Verdict
Verdict: 0-2
Sunderland v Chelsea
Sunderland have been very busy in the transfer window and have brought in some good, experienced, British grit in the shape of Wes Brown and John O'Shea but they'll still be no match for the true grit of John Terry. Although I must say when I saw True Grit I was a little disappointed, it didn't really show any of the best moments of John Terry's life. Winning the double, captaining England, mocking victims of 9/11, it left out all the heroic moments. Who knew he'd spent so much time as a cowboy though?
Verdict: 0-3
Wolverhampton v Tottenham
Wolves have made a fantastic start to the season. And that's all down to Mick McCarthy. Personally I think he's a shoe-in for the England job when Capello leaves. It's about time we went for someone who's England through and through rather than someone with managerial ability. Spurs have made a terrible start to the season but that's no fault of Redknapp. The famous wheeler dealer had his hands tied in the market so couldn't improve his squad. He should be given the England job where he can really utilise those skills.
Verdict: 2-2
Bolton v Man Utd
What a start to the season it has been for Man Utd, a lot of people questioned whether they had enough creativity in midfield but they forget that creating chances isn't what football's about. It's about having an English spine and Man Utd have that in spades. Rooney, Cleverley and Johnny Evans they're the future of England, trust me. I just can't see Bolton getting anything here, Man Utd scored 8 last time out but that never happens twice.
Verdict: 1-9
Norwich v West Brom
This is what Premiership football is all about. Two clubs who don't really deserve to be there battling it out in a game only about 12 people care about. It makes you proud to be English. Norwich should pip this due to West Brom's bizarre appointment of Roy Hodgson. Why must these clubs all go for foreign managers?
Verdict: 1-0
Fulham v Blackburn
What a super Sunday line up this is. No poncing about with players playing football on God's day with these games. I can see Blackburn really getting stuck in here and if Fulham leave with all their legs unbroken they should be given 3 points purely for their physical strength.
Verdict: 0-0
QPR v Newcastle
This game is really only interesting for the return of Joey Barton to Newcastle. Barton is my kind of footballer. No nonsense, violent and with a hair trigger. He was quite right to attack Gervinho for diving. God knows why Barton's gone to QPR though. Perhaps the proper clubs didn't like his tendency to put stupid quotes on that Tweeter thing. As Winston Churchill once said: Actions speak louder than words. Barton should go back to stubbing cigars out in people's eyes. Nothing speaks louder than that.
Verdict: 1-2
Arsenal v Swansea
It was proved in mid-week that England are far stronger than Wales, but it's yet to be seen how Arsenal's Frenchies will fare. Perhaps if Arsenal had one Englishman in their squad - or a Welshman even, they wouldn't have been humiliated by Man Utd but they don't so I can't see them beating Swansea - who's very presence in the league is a disgrace - either.
Verdict 1-1
Everton v Aston Villa
After the last prediction it's good to be dealing with solid, English teams again with solid English managers. Moyes and McLeish will both be desperate to prove that their clubs can cope with selling their best players, and Arteta. This should be a real barn stormer.
Verdict 0-0
Man City v Wigan
Man City have clearly tried to buy the title and I for one don't think it should be allowed. Foreign owners flashing the cash is the biggest scourge in football. God knows who owns Wigan but I guess they're foreign. Why else would they hire Martinez. Sadly City will destroy them.
Verdict: 4-0
Stoke v Liverpool
As admirable as Stoke's attempts to buy everyone in football who is over 6' 2" is they will still be no match for the mighty Liverpool who's new owner has come in and wisely decided to buy the title. Top bloke.
Verdict
Verdict: 0-2
Sunderland v Chelsea
Sunderland have been very busy in the transfer window and have brought in some good, experienced, British grit in the shape of Wes Brown and John O'Shea but they'll still be no match for the true grit of John Terry. Although I must say when I saw True Grit I was a little disappointed, it didn't really show any of the best moments of John Terry's life. Winning the double, captaining England, mocking victims of 9/11, it left out all the heroic moments. Who knew he'd spent so much time as a cowboy though?
Verdict: 0-3
Wolverhampton v Tottenham
Wolves have made a fantastic start to the season. And that's all down to Mick McCarthy. Personally I think he's a shoe-in for the England job when Capello leaves. It's about time we went for someone who's England through and through rather than someone with managerial ability. Spurs have made a terrible start to the season but that's no fault of Redknapp. The famous wheeler dealer had his hands tied in the market so couldn't improve his squad. He should be given the England job where he can really utilise those skills.
Verdict: 2-2
Bolton v Man Utd
What a start to the season it has been for Man Utd, a lot of people questioned whether they had enough creativity in midfield but they forget that creating chances isn't what football's about. It's about having an English spine and Man Utd have that in spades. Rooney, Cleverley and Johnny Evans they're the future of England, trust me. I just can't see Bolton getting anything here, Man Utd scored 8 last time out but that never happens twice.
Verdict: 1-9
Norwich v West Brom
This is what Premiership football is all about. Two clubs who don't really deserve to be there battling it out in a game only about 12 people care about. It makes you proud to be English. Norwich should pip this due to West Brom's bizarre appointment of Roy Hodgson. Why must these clubs all go for foreign managers?
Verdict: 1-0
Fulham v Blackburn
What a super Sunday line up this is. No poncing about with players playing football on God's day with these games. I can see Blackburn really getting stuck in here and if Fulham leave with all their legs unbroken they should be given 3 points purely for their physical strength.
Verdict: 0-0
QPR v Newcastle
This game is really only interesting for the return of Joey Barton to Newcastle. Barton is my kind of footballer. No nonsense, violent and with a hair trigger. He was quite right to attack Gervinho for diving. God knows why Barton's gone to QPR though. Perhaps the proper clubs didn't like his tendency to put stupid quotes on that Tweeter thing. As Winston Churchill once said: Actions speak louder than words. Barton should go back to stubbing cigars out in people's eyes. Nothing speaks louder than that.
Verdict: 1-2
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