Dave Pundit's Predictions 28/04/12

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Firstly I'd like to thank all the people who wished me well after my unfortunate collapse last week. I'm still in hospital but the doctors think I should be able to make a complete recovery. Apparently my body had decided to reject my left testicle which then passed into my bloodstream and got lodged in my brain, causing me to go a bit crazy. They removed the testicle from my head but it didn't work, as I kept on thinking that Arsene Wenger had actually done quite a good job at Arsenal. After 3 nights of this horrific delusion I asked the doctors to put the ball back but apparently they'd already sent it off for tests. So now I'm waiting to have a silicon implant put in its place. I will endeavour to ensure that my predictions are as clear and rational as always. Everton v Fulham I would never have predicted Everton to get a result against Man Utd last week but to come back from 4-2 down to clinch a draw was an admirable effort and one that blew the race for the title wide open, but wouldn't it be just like football to see Everton slump to a defeat here against lesser opposition? It's a funny old game. Sorry that's a terrible cliche. It's a funny old game. 110%. Funny 110% old game. Over the moon. Literally. Funny. Moon. Verdict: 0-1 Stoke v Arsenal Ah a true clash of footballing styles the ugly against the beautiful. The physical v technical but who will triumph? STOKE!!!! Can't do it on a wet Wednesday, Tuesday, Saturday, winter, ROSWELL!!!! Stoke. Van Persie's been good this year hasn't he? He brings a touch of class to the premiersh-STOKE!!! BREAK THEIR LEGS YOU GLORIOUS GIANTS! Verdict: 1-0 Sunderland v Bolton Even when I had my grip on sanity I wouldn't have cared about this game. CHEESE STRINGS! Replace my testicle! PLEASE! Verdict: 1-1 Swansea v Wolves Did I ever tell you my father was Welsh? Lovely place it is. Full of beautiful STEAMING ARSEHEADS! I really think Wolves could stay up this year, Terry Thomas has done a wonderful job there. Verdict: 1-3 West Brom v Aston Villa A derby match, and one with added pressure as Villa's slump to the bottom of the league continues. It just goes to show if you park the bus you have to make sure it's big enough to cover the whole goal. FULL OF GRIT. GRIT AND ENGLISHNESS. GRINGLISHNESS. Alex McGRINGLISH will save the Villa. Roy Hodgson you git you killed Liverpool. LIVERPOOL! Verdict: 0-0 Wigan v Newcastle Wig wam bam gonna make you my man. Ah the nurse is here. Would you like to share my wigwam? You're a fine Geordie lass aren't you? You're from Sunderland you say? Never heard of it. These drugs make my arm taste good. Verdict: 1-1 Norwich v Liverpool Liverpool, that's where I grew up you know. I've never been to Norwich but I did once see Delia Smith in a Waterstones. She was signing books, who knew she could write. I don't think she's really from Norwich. Lovely Liverpool. Ferry cross the Mersey. Penny Lane. You'll never walk alone, which is sometimes a shame really. NO IT'S NOT! NO! NOTHING ABOUT LIVERPOOL IS A SHAME! NOT EVEN ANDY CARROLL! Verdict: 0-1 Chelsea v QPR John Terry, the human equivalent of a testicle in the head. He made the ultimate sacrifice for his team, he knew they'd have to get 10 men behind the ball against Barcelona so he made it simple for his teammates by not having that pesky eleventh player on the field making the maths more difficult. Anyway he's not that sort of player you know. If he'd meant to knee Sanchez in the back he would've paralysed him. GRIT! GRIT! GRIT! Verdict: 2-0 Tottenham v Blackburn Tottenham are my team of the year. Except for all the other better teams of course. Not Blackburn though, they smell of wee. Hehehehehehehe I HATE THIS WORLD! Verdict: 3-0 Manchester City v Manchester United NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER. Verdict: 2-2 Hello there, Julian Pundit here again. I can only apologise for my brother. Hopefully he'll die soon. Us Pundit's love a stiffy.

Dave Pundit's Predictions 21/04/12

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. What a week for English football as Barcelona were outplayed and outscored by Chelsea. Chelsea didn't waste time with any of that passing the ball nonsense or having shots or any of those tiring things that foreigners do instead of playing the game how it's supposed to be played. You know what they say, if you want to be the best you have to beat the best, well Barcelona failed. Arsenal v Chelsea Chelsea have just proved that tippy tappy football doesn't beat a strong defence, and you don't get much stronger than John Terry. In many ways he's like Popeye, except John Terry doesn't eat spinach, he chews grit and he doesn't care about girls like Olive Oyl. He likes girls with tits. Verdict: 0-2 Blackburn v Norwich This has to be Blackburn's biggest game of the season. Not because Norwich are rivals or because they're one of the big teams, their not, it's a big game because if Blackburn lose this then they'll only have a few games left to turn around their season. It doesn't come much bigger than that. Apart from the other few games obviously. Whatever happens here Blackburn's fate won't be decided until the last game of the season and that will be the biggest game for them. This one, against a bunch of inbreds with 97 digits on all 8 of their hands, will pail into insignificance. Verdict: 1-1 Bolton v Swansea If ever there was a team that deserved to beat Swansea it's Bolton. Because Bolton are English. In fact all teams deserve to beat Swansea. Welsh gits. Verdict: 2-0 Fulham v Wigan People have been banging on about what great form Wigan are in. So they beat Arsenal? Big deal, if you make two foreign teams play each other then one of them is bound to win. Not like English teams. And as for the fact that they play an 'unusual' 3-4-3 formation, so what? My teams often played with 3 in defence after I got sent off. Verdict: 2-1 Newcastle v Stoke In years to come these two fine British institutions will sit at the top of the league looking down at all of the dross beneath them and revelling in their English glory. My English glory doesn't seem to be working at the moment. But on the plus side if you don't come, then you don't have to pay the hooker, that's the way I see it. Verdict: 0-0 QPR v Tottenham Was it a goal, wasn't it a goal? It's impossible to say, unless you're Tottenham in which case you'd say it wasn't. QPR may be down on their luck but I don't think they'll ever know the pain a dodgy decision by a referee like that one. Still it all balances out in the end so Tottenham will probably get all the ref's decisions here. Or they will if Redknapp lower his high moral standards a bit and slip the ref a bung. Verdict: 0-2 Manchester Utd v Everton Redknapp should take a leaf from Fergie's book, he obviously knows how to get the refs to give his team all the decisions. Man City may have tried to buy the league but Fergie just bought the referees. That's why he's the best manager in the world after John Terry. Verdict: 2-1 Liverpool v West Brom Liverpool have won the FA Cup and Carling Cup this season and proved that you don't have to win the league to earn the love and respect of everyone. We should all raise our glasses to the finest team in the world, Liverpool. Now let's hope they destroy Roy Hodgson for once and for all. Literally. I hope they stab him in the eye. Verdict: 8-0 Wolves v Man City STAB HIM IN THE EYE! SCREW YOU HODGSON! I'LL EAT YOUR FACE OFF, WOY! Hi, Julian Pundit here, Dave's brother. I've just found him lying on the kitchen floor, frothing at the mouth. Now I've seen more than my fair share of men with white fluid in their gobs but this didn't look half as good as that. I better take him to hospital. Oh and Man City. I think I've been to that club. I scored. And they will too against those nasty Wolves. I prefer a bear myself. Verdict: 0-3

Dave Pundit's Predictions

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. A trip to Wembley can only mean one thing: FA Cup Final day. Or that time I went to see Celine Dion. I'll tell you what, she was so good I waited until the encore before I started throwing cups of my urine at the stage.

Liverpool v Everton
So here it is the most hotly anticipated FA Cup Final in recent history. A derby match no less. I'd say it was too close to call if it wasn't for the fact that Liverpool are head and shoulders above Everton. You only have to look at the league to see that. Liverpool are the kind of team that challenge for 4th whereas Everton are mid-table at best. Of course league form counts for nothing in these games but you can't discount the fact that the table doesn't lie, except when it puts Arsenal in 3rd because that can't be true, they've been rubbish all year. You also have to remember that Liverpool have won a cup final already this year so they know what it takes to draw this kind of game and still pick up a trophy and I can see that skill being essential here.
Verdict: 1-1 (Liverpool to win on penalties)

Tottenham v Chelsea
Wait, why are they playing other games on cup final day? I refuse to accept this. This is another shocking decision by the FA. First they don't ban Balotelli for what was a horrendous challenge on some bloke from Arsenal, studs showing, knee high, over the ball and he still couldn't break his leg. There's no place for that in football. And now this, other matches on cup final day. It's outrageous. No wonder John Terry is feigning injury and refusing to play. He's a man of true moral fibre and no mistake. In honour of his brave stand I refuse to make any more predictions.

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Due to strict religious adherence there will be no Dave Pundit's Predictions over the Four Day Boozefest period.