Dave Pundit's Predictions 31/12/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. I hate New Year's Eve. The pubs are packed with amateur drinkers, you have to pay to go into the same pub you've been drinking in for free all year and you can never get to the toilet because of all the twelve year old chavs snorting washing powder off the seats and thinking they're getting a real buzz. Listen to me, I sound like someone off that Grumpy Old Men programme, I hate that programme. It's just a bunch of old farts with no real problems pretending to hate stuff for a cheap laugh.

Liverpool v Newcastle
Poor old Liverpool, they're being persecuted from all sides at the minute. Sometimes it seems like I'm the only pundit who is on their side. It seems to me like the FA have got it in for Liverpool, they're trying to stop us being successful, give some other teams a chance to win something for once I guess. Still they won't stop us winning this match, Andy Carroll will want to show Newcastle what they're missing, they've struggled to replace the goals that he gets that's for sure.
Verdict: 2-0

Man United v Blackburn
It doesn't seem that long ago that people were writing off Man Utd's chances of winning the league and yet if they get even a point here they'll be top of the tree come the new year. It just goes to show that you can never, ever write Man Utd off and anyone who does is an idiot. They're unwriteoffable. They're just too good to write off. They won't win the league, obviously, but they'll destroy Blackburn.
Verdict: 4-0

Arsenal v QPR
Arsenal's season has really come off the rails in the last few weeks, they lost 1-0 to Man City and then could only manage a 1-1 against Wolves. They're shipping in goals left, right and centre. Quite frankly it's a lack of proper centre backs if you ask me. They're all about that attacking and flowing football and trying to win games nonsense. If it was up to me I'd play four centre backs in every game, but that's not the Arsenal way. QPR will probably only play two centre backs as well, but at least they might be English.
Verdict: 1-2

Bolton v Wolves
This is a fixture to die for. And I imagine someone of the players will literally die out there. Both teams are struggling for form and both teams would've hoped to avoid a relegation battle this season but they've been sucked in to one and it'll be a real dogfight to survive. This'll be an ugly, violent battle against two teams who look like they barely even know how to play the game, let alone play it well. This is the game of the weekend.
Verdict: 0-0

Chelsea v Aston Villa
This season has been a bit stop start for Chelsea but that's what you get when you make a twelve year old Spaniard your manager. Luckily they have a true leader in John Terry, the most English man since Braveheart. Villa on the other hand are led by some Scotsman. I mean I like the Scotch people, they make good whisky and they like a drink but ultimately they're still a bunch of skirt wearing pansies.
Verdict: 2-0

Norwich v Fulham
I used to know a fantastic footballer from Norwich. He had everything, pace, power and ability and he was two footed. Both of them right. They don't make players like that anymore though. I don't even know if any of the Norwich team are even from Norwich, but then I don't even know any of the Norwich team. Or the Fulham one. This'll probably be a draw I guess.
Verdict: 1-1

Stoke v Wigan
It's games like this that make me sad. Only one of these teams will come and play football while the other team will be trying to kick lumps out of the opposition and hoofing the ball up field. Why can't we just go back to the days when both teams were hoofing it? Let's hope the right team wins here.
Verdict: 1-0

Swansea v Tottenham
Tottenham's title challenge doesn't show any signs of slowing down and I can't see them losing against a bunch of leek eaters. Quite frankly the Welsh have never produced a footballer of any note. I reckon Gareth Bale will put at least three past them.
Verdict: 0-4

West Brom v Everton
The Everton fans have been protesting against Bill Kenwright but he's an Evertonian through and through so you can see why they don't trust him. To be honest I'm surprised the West Brom fans haven't protested against Roy Hodgson yet, but then they are Brummies so they're used to people speaking unintelligibly at them. They probably think Hodgson is English or something! Still I think Everton will give them something to complain about here.
Verdict: 0-2

Sunderland v Man City
Martin O'Neill has done wonders in his short time at Sunderland. It wouldn't surprise me if he told Bendtner and Cattermole to get nicked. Nothing spurs a team on like having a couple of your players arrested. I used to get arrested on a regular basis when I was at Tranmere and every time I was banged up their results improved dramatically. At one point the gaffer was trying to fit me up for a murder charge to get me sent away for years. Only one team is going to get murdered here though, and it's not Man City.
Verdict: 0-3

Dave Pundit's Festive Predictions

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Or should I say ho ho ho, I'm Dave Pundit? Is there anything more British than Christmas? Christmas Trees, Candy Canes and the birth of Jesus it's like the history of England all in one day. I used to love training on Christmas Day, it's the only day of the year that everyone was as drunk as me. Plus it meant I didn't have to spend Christmas with my mum and two sisters. Ho ho ho.

Chelsea v Fulham
Derby games are always the toughest games to predict without exception. Except this one. Fulham are rubbish and Chelsea have John Terry. He may have the Metropolitan Police breathing down his neck but if anything it'll make him play better. He's faced controversy before but he always comes out of it whiter than white. He'll do the same here trust me.
Verdict: 3-0

Bolton v Newcastle
Bolton had a vital win against Blackburn but they really need to put some kind of run together now but they'll struggle against Newcastle. The Toon Army may be in freefall but the league table doesn't lie and they're literally the 7th best team in the league right now. I'd put my house on this game if it wasn't for the fact that I exchanged it with a bloke down the pub for five pound coins for the fruit machine. Worth it though I got a jackpot repeater.
Verdict: 0-1

Liverpool v Blackburn
Liverpool have come in for a lot of stick for their support of Luis Suarez but personally I think they were right to do it. If possible King Kenny has gone up in my estimation. He's like a double king now. King King Kenny. With KKK behind them, Liverpool will be on fire against Blackburn. They'll literally burn the blacks.
Verdict: 4-0

Man Utd v Wigan
Man Utd have started to hit a purple patch of form and there won't be any chancing of them slipping up here, no matter how icy it gets over Christmas. The very thought of Wigan getting any points at all against a side who are aiming for the top four is laughable. Ho ho ho.
Verdict: 3-1

Sunderland v Everton
What a Christmas cracker this game will be. Both sides have struggled this year but Martin O'Neill and David Moyes are two of the top managers in the league, they'll know that football isn't about playing well it's about grit, determination and being able to win ugly. In fact I doubt they know how to win any other way. It's just a shame that there can only be one winner here.
Verdict: 0-0

West Brom v Man City
To be honest Man City are so much better than West Brom it's not even worth making a prediction for this match, so I won't.
Verdict: 0-2

Stoke v Aston Villa
It's all been going wrong for Villa and it's difficult to see why. They've got a dour, sub-standard manager, they play defensive, ugly football regardless of the situation and they're full of mediocre players that you wouldn't remember if they punched you in the face. I can't see why they're not doing better, it's always worked wonders for Stoke.
Verdict: 1-0

Arsenal v Wolverhampton
If Robin Van Persie beats Alan Shearer's record for goals in a calendar year I'll eat my hat. It would be a travesty to end all travesties. We can't have a foreigner scoring more goals than Shearer. To make matters worse Van Persie isn't even a striker, I can't believe no ones pointed this out but to me he's more of a number 10. Shearer was a proper number 9. Nine is greater than ten, you just can't dispute that. Let's hope Wolves can do their British duty here.
Verdict: 0-1

Swansea v QPR
Poor QPR having to spend Christmas in Wales. Do they even celebrate Christmas there? Maybe but they probably call it Llanleekmas or something. I mean what's the deal with Wales having two languages anyway? Does Scotland have two languages? Does Ireland have two languages? No, the only otherpeople in Britain that have two languages is Cockneys, and why would you want to be like that bunch of berks?
Verdict: 0-2

Norwich v Tottenham
It's come to my attention that I have been using offensive terms when talking about Norwich games. I unreservedly apologise for any offence caused – this was never my intention. I'm not the sort of person who says things just to be offensive. I'm not like the likes of Frankie Boyle, Jimmy Carr or The Dalai Lama. Anyway back to the football, Tottenham will walk this one, that big, coloured chap they've got up front is scoring for fun at the moment.
Verdict: 0-2

Dave Pundit's Predictions 20/12/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Sorry for the lack of predictions at the weekend, I was rushed into hospital with suspected hypergonadism. Turns out it was just bruising from where I keep on sitting on myself. I've never felt more proud to be Britih when my doctor told me I had whacking great long balls.

Blackburn v Bolton
Talking of whacking great long balls lets hope we see a load of them here tonight. Sadly Scott Dann is injured, he'd be ideal to smash a ball upfield. Rumour has it that this could be Kean's last game in charge which I think is a shame, say what you like about Kean; that he's blind to everything going on at his club, that he couldn't manage for toffee and that his face is too small for his head but at least he's brought consistency to Blackburn. Bolton too have been very consistent this year but they can't both lose can they?
Verdict: 0-2

Wolverhampton v Norwich
Mick McCarthy is another manager under pressure and a win against Norwich here would certainly relieve the strain somewhat. I doubt Norwich fans will mind what the result is, they're just one big happy family down there.
Verdict: 1-0

Aston Villa v Arsenal
Aston Villa are very much a work in progress at the moment they've shown flashes of brilliance from the likes of Agbonlahor and Bent but Alex McLeish is slowly but surely managing to stifle that side of things and has them playing dour, defensive football with no attacking desire whatsoever. Good on you, ginge! Arsenal, of course, wouldn't know how to play dour football if their lives depended on it, and if I had my way it would.
Verdict: 0-0

Man City v Stoke
City did everyone a favour and ended Arsenal's unbeaten run at the weekend. City showed that just because you have a foreign manager and foreign owners doesn't mean you can't have a good English spine of Lescott, Milner and Hargreaves. They are the embodiment of how a big club should be run. Stoke will give City a far sterner test than Arsenal ever could but Stoke away is no Stoke at home.
Verdict: 2-1

Newcastle v West Brom
Newcastle have had a bit of a slump recently and it looks like they may struggle to end up in the top four. Still Newcastle fans are renowned for being sensible so I'm sure they'll understand that these things happen. Luckily they've got an excellent board behind them so I'm sure things will pick up soon, starting here against West Brom. Who's board clearly know nothing about the game otherwise they'd've never hired Roy Hodgson.
Verdict: 2-0

Everton v Swansea
I think it's obvious that David Moyes needs to splash the cash in January and I think he will. Before that though they should be able to beat Swansea. They may be Wales' finest but that's not much of a boast. It's a bit like saying you're the least shouty tourette's sufferer. No such problems at Everton, thank God.
Verdict: 2-0

Fulham v Man Utd
People say United haven't been in great form this season but they're still right up there at the top of the table. It's the sign of a good team that can play badly and still win, but they'll have to watch themselves, they've been playing better recently and I'm not sure playing well and winning is a sign of anything. I imagine they'll be bloody awful against Fulham though.
Verdict: 0-3

QPR v Sunderland
A couple of Sunderland players were arrested this week for causing criminal damage. Bendtner I expected it of, he's foreign. But Cattermole must have been led astray, I mean what possible need would he have to go out and break things when he's been doing it on the football pitch for years? He needs to buck up his ideas and get back to shattering foreigners legs if you ask me. Do QPR have any foreigners? I don't know and nor do I care.
Verdict: 1-1

Wigan v Liverpool
Wigan got lucky against Chelsea due to a goalkeeping error but you can't ever see Reina making one of those. Not with King Kenny behind him. Let's not forget he used to manage Bruce Grobelaar, and there was a keeper you could rely on. But to be honest I doubt Wigan will even get a sniff at goal in this match they'll be too busy defending against the might of Henderson, Downing and Carroll. This'll be a goalfest.
Verdict: 0-1

Tottenham v Chelsea
As Winston Churchill once said: "And now we're standing face to face, isn't this world a crazy place, just when I thought our chance had passed you go and save the best for last." He was quite a singer was our Winston. But this is clearly the big match of the week. 3rd vs 4th it doesn't come any bigger than that. It's literally a top of the table clash. The might of John Terry versus the wiles of Harry Redknapp, the British Bulldog spirit of Sir Jonathan of Terrence versus the Old English Sheepdog smarts of Lord 'Arry. It brings tear to the eye just thinking about it. But then, I did just sit down a bit too quick. They'll be talking about this match for years to come.
Verdict: 0-0

Dave Pundit's Predictions 10/12/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. When Jay Spearing got sent off last week Gary Neville got it spot on when he said 20 years ago that wouldn't even have been a foul. What he didn't mention was that 30 years ago the gaffer would've fined you a weeks wages for a tackle like that. Both feet off the ground and you still didn't break his legs? You're obviously not working hard enough in training.

Arsenal v Everton
Everton have struggled this season but this game should be a breeze, Arsenal were a shambles in midweek, quite frankly it's teams like Arsenal that are destroying England's reputation in Europe. If a Greek team can put three past them a Scouse team can get a shed load, even if they are the wrong kind of Scouse.
Verdict: 0-4

Bolton v Aston Villa
Both of these teams are in a patch of bad form at the moment that few would've predicted at the start of the season but, as they say, class is temporary, form is permanent, so I guess they'll both get relegated. I can't see this ending in anything but a draw.
Verdict: 0-1

Liverpool v QPR
The needless persecution of Liverpool continues with Suarez up on a charge for giving the crowd the finger. I think it's ridiculous the amount of abuse the players get it's not surprising they retaliate. I mean I can't even count the amount of times I fingered some bloke in the crowd. Once a week I'd imagine. I doubt that gesture even means the same in Paraguayan anyway. Unless the powers that be decide otherwise Liverpool should win this one.
Verdict: 2-0

Man Utd v Wolves
United were desperately unlucky in Europe this week, but the nation should still be proud of the fight they put up, they're a young team and those sort of games are a great learning experience. But, as Winston Churchill said, you can't win anything with kids. Still they'll get back on track here, Wolves are an inferior outfit and Man Utd just don't lose to lesser opposition.
Verdict: 3-1

Norwich v Newcastle
Newcastle have a tough run of games and I think they could struggle here too. The atmosphere at Carrow Road is intimidating to say the least, all those extra fingers makes the clapping much louder. Last time I was there I sat in the family section and that was bad enough, although in fairness the family section is the entire stadium.
Verdict: 2-1

Swansea v Fulham
People have accused me of being anti-Wales, nothing could be further from the truth it's far better than any foreign country, it's just my least favourite part of England. London comes a close second of course but in this game London just pips it.
Verdict: 0-1

West Brom v Wigan
It sounds like this game should be woeful. Full of dreary football, bad challenges and hoofed clearances, but no, both teams had to ruin it and hire foreigners who like to play "football" didn't they?
Verdict: 2-2

Sunderland v Blackburn
Now this is more like it! Neither of these teams have come close to playing "football" all season. Wonderful. When Sunderland sacked Bruce I worried they'd go down the foreigner route but no they've backed British. Well Irish really, but that's close enough. This will be a corker, trust me.
Verdict: 0-0

Stoke v Tottenham
Harry Redknapp won the manager of the month award for November, not bad considering he was off sick for two weeks. You wouldn't get a foreigner doing that, they just haven't got the heart. However if there's any team in the land that can stop Tottenham's charge it's Stoke. I'm not sure Tottenham have anyone can deal with Stoke's long balls. Not since Jenas left anyway.
Verdict: 1-0

Chelsea v Man City
Man City's foreign invasion ends here. They may have beaten all comers so far but they can't compete with John Terry, he's the bravest, truest, most honest-to-goodness English man since Richard the Lionheart. He wouldn't stand for invading someone else's country either. Chelsea will show Man City you can't buy the Premier League title.
Verdict: 2-0

Dave Pundit's Predictions 03/12/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. It was a sad week in football this week with the shock news of Gary Speed's untimely death. Depression is a terrible thing and at least in my day we had booze to silence the screaming voices in our heads, nowadays modern footballers aren't even allowed that. Rest in peace, Gary Speed, a model pro and one of the Premier League's true legends. I'm just amazed he never got an England call up.

Newcastle v Chelsea
Some of the furore around John Terry seems to have died down this week thanks partly to a ranting woman on a tram becoming the new figurehead for racism, but like John Terry I think she's been harshly judged. Surely advising people to move out of Croydon is just good common sense. Hopefully Chelsea can get their season back on track here against a Newcastle side who have proved they can't get a result against the top four teams in the last few weeks.
Verdict: 0-2

Blackburn v Swansea
It's the time of the season when the managerial merry go round starts but Steve Kean is safe as houses. Blackburn may be in dire straits at the moment but despite that I really can't see them losing here. They may be awful, but Blackburn could put out a reserve side here and play like they don't care about the Premier League and they'd still win. Their brute, English strength will always be better than anything Wales can throw at them.
Verdict: 1-0

Man City v Norwich
City have taken on all comers and won this season and I think it would be a stupid man who'd predict anything but a win for them here. And I'm not a stupid man. I think Man City will get a hatful here, but Norwich should just about be good enough to keep it to a score they can count on the fingers of one hand.
Verdict: 6-0

QPR v West Brom
QPR have done alright in since their promotion and I think they'll have enough to beat West Brom here, it could be a different story in January when I think they'll have a job keeping their star players. I've been impressed with Joey Barton, I think if he cut out some of the fancy passing and ball control and concentrated on being a bit more of a thug he could go far. I wouldn't be surprised if the likes of Newcastle made a bid for him.
Verdict: 2-1

Tottenham v Bolton
Harry Redknapp believes Spurs can go on and win the title, and if that happens then Harry should get a big, fat bonus from the chairman. Spurs have such a strong squad at the moment, he could probably play a bunch of kids and still beat all but the best teams in the world. Bolton on the other hand have become a shadow of their former selves under Owen Coyle. His insistence on trying to play football is at odds with everything Bolton stands for, the managerial merry go round has begun and he's well and truly on it.
Verdict: 2-0

Wigan v Arsenal
If there's one team that typifies everything that's wrong with having a foreign manager it's Wigan and also Arsenal. The managerial merry go round is spinning now and Martinez must be feeling dizzy. As Winston Churchill said "stop the world i want to get off." I bet that's how the Wigan manager feels right now, except Martinez is nothing like Winston Churchill, I bet he's never fought a German in his life. Arsene Wenger on the other hand probably doesn't even know where Germany is. If either team wins this game it's football that loses.
Verdict: 2-2

Aston Villa v Manchester United
Alex Ferguson said that the team that lost against Crystal Palace wasn't a Man Utd side. Which is odd. I'm surprised the United bosses let Ferguson manage another team to be honest. Still I'm sure we'll see a United team this week. A proper one with a British spine and an English collarbone and grit and determination running throughout. Man Utd are literally the living embodiment of England. Villa are ok, but they'd be better if they didn't have a Scotchman in charge. And a ginger one at that.
Verdict: 2-0

Everton v Stoke
Stoke will be on a high after qualifying for the next round of the Europa League. A lot of people think it's a pointless competition but any chance we get to prove that good old fashioned English football is far better than the technical, tactically astute rubbish they play on the continent is a good thing if you ask me. I can't see how Stoke's brilliant form in Europe won't translate to the league here.
Verdict: 0-1

Wolves v Sunderland
Sunderland set the managerial merry go round in motion this week when they sacked Steve Bruce, I think he was unlucky to be honest. It's not like he tried to make Sunderland and attractive team to watch or anything, plus he lost all his strikers from last season and that's bound to affect the team, they've been conceding far too many and as everyone knows the attack is the first line of defence. Without that first line they've been screwed. Mick McCarthy is another manager who is under pressure, again this is ridiculous. He's British for God's sake. Doesn't that mean anything anymore?
Verdict: 0-0

Fulham v Liverpool
Losing Lucas is obviously a blow for Liverpool but once again King Kenny has shown his managerial acumen, he bought about 12 midfielders in the summer just in case of this eventuality, what a man he is. I remember back when we were both at Liverpool and I nearly broke his leg in training, he turned to me and said "Dave, if you keep that up, I'm going to have to have a word with the gaffer about your future at this club." He could spot my talent even then, I could tell. I guess he never got the chance to speak to the boss though, I was sold to Tranmere the next week.
Verdict: 0-3

Dave Pundit's Predictions 26/11/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. It was a terrible week for all the English clubs in Europe. Not one of them has qualified for the last 16 yet and to rub salt into the wound Arsenal did. It's a Ryan Giggs of a situation: a shocking state of affairs. Hopefully the return to proper English football will bring more joy. As Winston Churchill said "Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win." So it doesn't look good for old unbeaten Arsenal does it?

Stoke v Blackburn
So often the early game on a Saturday is one of the big clubs trouncing one of the minnows so it's refreshing to see this real clash of the Titans. Neither team is in particularly good form at the moment so hopefully they will get back to the basics of grinding out a result without ever playing anything resembling football. And if we're really lucky we might get to see one of the truly great sights in football; Rory Delap flinging the ball at Peter Crouch's head and it ricocheting into the net. Glorious.
Verdict: 1-1

Bolton v Everton
Neither of these teams will be happy with their start to the season and they've both made too many individual errors, the main one being attempting to play football. I think Bolton could struggle all season but at least Everton have a Scotchman at the helm so he can bring a bit of British grit to proceedings. Still he could do with splashing the cash a bit more, Everton are a big club and big clubs should spend the money they earn instead of sitting on there profits. Football is not a business, Bill Kenwright, you'd do well to remember that.
Verdict: 0-2

Chelsea v Wolves
I recently put Andre Villas Boas into Google translate and it turns out in English his name is Andrew Houses Snakes. Unfortunately at the moment his Chelsea team lacks venom. Not John Terry though, he's like a viper with a lions head, heart, and body. If anyone can show the resilience to drag Chelsea back after losing to a bunch of Germans it's John Terry. He has absolutely no resemblence to any German ever, living or dead. He's more English than the English Channel, more British than British Steel and more United Kingdom than the King, whoever he is.
Verdict: 3-0

Man Utd v Newcastle
Newcastle have got a very difficult run games at the moment and it's a shame it's coincided with their worst run of form of the season. I can't see them winning here, Man Utd might not be playing brilliantly at the moment but it's a sign of the truly great teams that you keep winning even when you're not actually very good. But Newcastle are a well run club and it's refreshing to see a proper fan in charge rather than some faceless corporation so I think they'll pull themselves out of this slump before long.
Verdict: 1-0

Norwich v QPR
Norwich may have lost last week but it's these sort of games that are the ones that count for them, it's important to win your home games. Whatever happens though I'm sure the fans are enjoying the ride in their first shot at the big time. I heard of an entire family of Norwich fans who went last week Mother, Father, Son, Daughter, Aunt, Uncle, Grandparents, Grandchildren and all four of them loved it. Good on them.
Verdict: 2-1

Sunderland v Wigan
Now I'm not the sort of pundit who would ever call for a manager to be sacked but Steve Bruce is under real pressure at the moment. Luckily he's up against an equally poor Wigan side led by Roberto Martinez, who should be sacked.
Verdict: 2-0

West Brom v Tottenham
I mentioned Google Translate earlier I'd never heard of it until recently, Steve Claridge suggested it might be useful to help me understand Roy Hodgson's interviews. Unfortunately Google Translate doesn't seem to know what language he's speaking either. Harry Redknapp only speaks one language however: football. And football is a language is that is spoken from the heart and no one has a stronger footballing heart than Harry Redknapp. I honestly can't see this game being too taxing for a man of his character.
Verdict: 0-2

Arsenal v Fulham
There have been accusations that Arsenal are a one man team and to some extent those accusations are true. Can you imagine if they didn't have Theo Walcott? They'd be completely foreign. It's a big burden for the lad but he's been going to World Cups with England since he was teenager so he'll know how to handle pressure, gambling and shagging around. I still hope Fulham beat them though. Foreign Jessies.
Verdict: 0-1

Swansea v Aston Villa
Villa got their tactics all wrong for the Tottenham game last week but that shouldn't be a problem here. The Welsh wouldn't know a tactic if it kicked them in the balls. Which is probably what Alan Hutton is going to do. Marvellous.
Verdict: 0-3

Liverpool v Man City
Man City's unbeaten run ends here. After their humiliating defeat to Napoli in midweek, the blows will keep on coming. I mean where is Napoli anyway? I've never heard of it and I've been to Italy, I've heard of Rome, Milan, Turin and Naples, but Napoli? It's probably some pokey little village in the middle of nowhere. Much like Manchester in fact. Liverpool will have too much for them, trust me. It'll be a black day for City's defence when they face Suarez.
Verdict: 2-1

Dave Pundit's Predictions 19/11/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. I see this week Sepp Blatter has posted pictures of him hugging Tokyo Sexwale. It's no big deal, who hasn't got drunk and woken up in a Japanese brothel? He's also got himself embroiled in the ongoing race row,and I think we can all agree that racism is a cancer in football and Sepp Blatter is dealing with this cancer in exactly the right way, ignoring it and hoping it goes away.

Norwich v Arsenal
After Arsenal's poor start they have won a couple on the trot recently but hopefully they can get back on track here against a Norwich team who, like Burnley and Blackpool before them have made a great start to their first ever season in top flight football.
Verdict: 2-1

Everton v Wolves
This literally is a must win game for both teams, a loss here would mean that either team would only be left with 27 games in which to turn their season around and could leave them in a battle for the midtable places. With a win here and a good run of form they could be challenging for about 9th or 10th.
Verdict: 2-0

Man City v Newcastle
So Tevez has gone walkabout to Argentina again? It's no surprise to me anyone could see, even when he was at West Ham that he was trouble. I hope Mancini has learnt his lesson here, no top manager, Sir Alex Ferguson for example, would ever have touched him with a bargepole. As far as this match goes these are the only two unbeaten teams left in the league but one of them will have to lose that record here.
Verdict: 1-1

Stoke v QPR
This is the sort of game that sets the Premiership apart from all othe leagues in world football. A few years ago this would have been a lower league clash, played in an awful stadium with no flair or technical skill on display. It would've been dour and dull and uncultured and probably won by the odd goal from a long ball. And finally that fantastic prospect has reached the Premier League.
Verdict: 1-0

Sunderland v Fulham
It is clear that Sunderland have struggled since they lost Darren Bent to Villa. It's hard to bring in someone who can get you the goals that Bent gets and Sunderland don't have the money to just go out and get an Andy Carroll or a Fernando Torres like the big teams do. Fulham have their own English goal machine in Bobby Zamora who is carving a niche for himself in the national team which, after beating Spain, is clearly the best in the world. I honestly think Zamora could be the next Emile Heskey.
Verdict: 0-1

West Brom v Bolton
Look at the fates of the last three Liverpool managers, Houllier had a heart attack and for all I know is now dead, Benitez will probably never work again and Roy Hodgson is the worst off getting stuck in the Black Country. All this points to one thing, Liverpool should stop hiring foreigners. Bolton finally got a win under their belts last time out and I'm sure that fantastic run of will continue here.
Verdict: 0-0

Wigan v Blackburn
This is already a real relegation tussle and a loss for either team could spell the end for the manager. That would be a real shame for Steve Kean who has all the attributes to be the next Tony Pulis but it's really time someone put Martinez out of his misery and sent him home to Italy.
Verdict: 1-2

Swansea v Man Utd
I used to know a Welshman, he was a nice chap, until he took me out on the pull with him. Now I've slept with the odd sexwhale in my time but I draw the line at sheep! That's a joke of course. I've never met a nice Welshman. Let's hope they get crushed by Man Utd's thoroughly nice spine of Ferdinand, Rooney and Giggs.

Chelsea v Liverpool
What ought to have been billed as the game of the season has been overshadowed by this daft race row. It's truly ludicrous to believe that someone of John Terry's pedigree would be involved in something like this, he is a true leader of men someone who should be celebrated, there should be a party thrown in his honour party in this country. A British national party. And in my book there's still no better defender in the land, yes he's still the top dog when it comes to the English defence league. As for Suarez well he might be racist, he is foreign after all, but if you can't sweep things under the carpet for the most successful team in the country who can you sweep them under the carpet for?
Verdict: 1-1

Tottenham v Aston Villa
On a personal level Harry Redknapp must be on cloud nine at the moment. He can clearly do no wrong and he'll feel like no harm could ever befall him the way Spurs are playing. As Winston Churchill once said "He's walking on sunshine, whoa oo, and don't it feel good?" As for Alex McLeish, he's alright for a ginge, but he's no 'Arry is he?
Verdict: 3-1

Dave Pundit on Rememberance Day

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. There are no Premier League fixtures this week so I've decided not to do any predictions for them. It's one of the golden rules of punditry, really. If there aren't any games don't stick your neck out. Of course there are the international games but how long does it take to predict that all the home nations will win against whatever dross they're playing against?

So instead I've decided to talk about the poppy debacle that has been running this week. Quite frankly I can't believe there was ever an issue with the England team wearing poppies. It's political correctness gone mad if you ask me. The poppy is a symbol of the brave people who fought and died for this country and our equally brave footballers, like John Terry, aren't allowed to wear a poppy in case they offend a German? It's a blooming disgrace.

I mean, excuse me, but who won the war? That's right it was us. And if that upsets some Germans well they shouldn't have started the war in the first place. Quite frankly I think the England team should wear poppies all year round. I mean if you can't win a war and then mock the losers what's the point in war?

I also don't understand the mentality of people who refuse to wear poppies. Don't they realise people died for them? People fought and died for freedom of speech and they can't even be bothered to wear a poppy? I think it should be compulsory for all British people to wear a poppy. In fact each nationality and race should have their own symbol and be forced to wear it at all times just to make identifying them easier. That'll remind everyone why we fought the fascists in the first place.

On a personal note I do like to do my bit for charity, only this week a poor young urchin came up to me and pointed at my moustache and asked if I was doing Movember. I gave him 50p and told him to spend it on speech therapy lessons, it's November you daft little idiot. Never let it be said that I don't have compassion for the spastics.

Course you're not supposed to call them that now are you? They've had their name changed to retards or something haven't they? I can't abide all this changing of names, Eastlands is now the Etihad stadium, St James's Park is now the Sport Direct Arena where will it end? I blame Arsenal and their poppy-burning sponsors. That's where this all started, whatever happened to traditional names like Old Trafford, Anfield or The Reebok?

The worst thing is that I've heard Chelsea are going to change the name of Stamford Bridge. It's an outrage. Unless they go with the suggestion I've sent them: The John Terry Grithole.

Right that's it for now, I'll look forward to watching the England match with all the England players wearing their poppies with pride as they give the Spaniards their worst defeat since the Armarda.

Dave Pundit's Predictions 05/11/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. This weekend sees Sir Alex Ferguson celebrate his 25th anniversary as Manchester United. You can't argue with his pedigree but I think he faces his toughest challenge ahead. How will he cope with the spending power of Man City? He must be livid when he looks at Man City buying the title, it goes against everything Sir Alex stands for. Still 25 years as a manager is pretty good going. I reckon he'd know enough to have a go at punditry now.

Newcastle v Everton
It's hard to see Newcastle getting beaten at the moment, they're working hard for each other as a team and they're playing some lovely football so surely it can't be long before some team puts the boot in and stops them in their tracks. I'm just not sure Everton have got enough cloggers in their team to do the job, which is a shame.
Verdict: 2-1

Arsenal v West Brom
Arsenal are in a terrible run of form at the moment and I genuinely can't remember the last time they kept a clean sheet in any competition. Yes, they beat Chelsea last week but they still conceded three goals, you can't concede that many and still consider yourself a good team. However even Arsenal should have too much for West Brom, who are surely kicking themselves for hiring a foreign manager.
Verdict: 3-2

Aston Villa v Norwich
Villa fans weren't happy when McLeish was appointed as there manager and it's easy to see why. No one likes a ginger. But what they forgot was the fact that he's Scotch and as Alex Ferguson has shown if there's one thing the Scotch can do is drink heavily and they can also manage a bit too. I think his nationality is what will give McLeish the edge in this game.
Verdict: 1-0

Blackburn v Chelsea
Chelsea slipped up against Arsenal last week but they won't slip up again. John Terry will see to that, John Terry doesn't make slip ups. Right now he has the weight the of the world on his shoulders but he'll stay tall like the upstanding British hero he is. Chelsea won't slump to another defeat with him leading them.
Verdict: 0-3

Liverpool v Swansea
Luis Suarez is THE outstanding striker in the Premier League bar none at the moment, and I reckon he'll fill his boots here against the leek eating, valley dwellers. Let's face it the Welsh might be able to produce good male voice choirs but that doesn't mean they can play football. Look at Liverpool, no musical heritage at all but we're the most successful team in the world.
Verdict: 1-0

Man Utd v Sunderland
What can you say about Alex Ferguson that hasn't already been said? That he eats babies. But that's not true, he's not Arsene Wenger. Credit where credit's due Alex Ferguson has performed miracles at Man Utd and made them the second most successful club in the country, if Steve Bruce could do half of what Sir Alex has done then he wouldn't be managing Sunderland.
Verdict: 2-0

QPR v Man City
Neil Warnock has been in trouble this week for saying his players defended like fairies. And quite right to, there's no room for homophobia in football. But if his team don't tighten up at the back they could leave themselves open to the likes of Silva playing in the hole. If they're not careful they could get royally shafted, the bunch of pansies.
Verdict: 0-3

Wolves v Wigan
Both these teams are facing tough times but as Winston Churchill once said "when the going gets tough, the tough get going. And I can see Wolves getting going here because they're tough whereas Wigan are literally the opposite of toughL: foreign. They're a disgrace to the North.
Verdict: 1-0

Bolton v Stoke
Against Newcastle last week Stoke looked dull, uninspired, lacking in ideas and had to resort to route one football, which just goes to show you can do everything right and still lose. Away from home though they've been distinctly average. Luckily Bolton this season have been worse than average, they've been ordinary.
Verdict: 1-2

Fulham v Tottenham
Poor Harry Redknapp has had to undergo heart surgery this week, which is a fairly drastic measure to get out of having to watch Europa League football. Having had my fair share of surgery though what I want to know is how did he jump the waiting lists? I'd say he slipped someone a few quid but that's not harry's style. Still the Spurs boys will know exactly what to do to give Harry the best get well present: nip to Tescos and buy a bottle of cheap gin. And they'll probably win this match too witch might cheer him up.
Verdict: 0-2

Dave Pundit's Predictions 29/10/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. The racism row shows no signs of stopping, and now they've gone and accused John Terry of it. An Englishman! It's PC gone mad. In my day racism wasn't an issue. There was loads of it, it just wasn't an issue. Now I don't condone any form of bigotry but it's clear to me there are bigger problems than racism in football. Foreigners for one.

Everton v Manchester United
Until Jonny Evans was sent off Man Utd were well in the game against City but then they got the tactics all wrong after being reduced to ten men. When I was a pro we always worked hard on playing with a man less in training. Well I say we, the other lads did, I was the one who always got sent off. Everton are never an easy team to play so this will be a real test of United's character, some people have rightly questioned Man Utd's spine but that doesn't mean they can't show a little backbone here.
Verdict: 1-2

Chelsea v Arsenal
It's been a tough ride for Chelsea over the last week. A shock loss against QPR and then the racism incident. But if anyone can prove that being a racist is no hindrance to being a professional footballer it's John Terry, I mean come on it's not that bad is it? It's not like he's mocking 9/11 victims or anything. As far as I'm concerned Terry is whiter than white. Anyway I can't see him getting another black mark to his name against Arsenal's hopelessly out of form midgets.
Verdict: 3-1

Man City v Wolves
Mick McCarthy has received a lot of unnecessary stick from the Wolves fan recently. They've criticised his tactics apparently, which is ridiculous when did tactics ever win a game. All McCarthy needs is grit and determination and he has it, by the bucketful. Whether Mancini has grittermination is yet to be seen but he has got a lot of money which is pretty much the same.
Verdict: 4-1

Norwich v Blackburn
There have been high-sixes all round in Norwich due to their good start to the season and I can see the good times continuing here. Blackburn have all the ingredients to be a dour, workmanlike, tough to beat, horrible to watch team but for some reason Kean can't get them to reach those heights. Another loss for them here I fear.
Verdict: 2-0

Sunderland v Aston Villa
It's a bit of a grudge match this due to Darren Bent's move to Villa last year. I love a grudge match. Quite frankly a match without grudge is like a tonic without a gin. And a match with a grudge is like a gin without a tonic; far better. Alan Hutton has been practising his leg breaking tackles in preperation for this match, he hasn't quite perfected it yet but this could be the game if you ask me.
Verdict: 1-1

Swansea v Bolton
Bolton face a tough trip to Wales here, but when isn't a visit to Wales tough eh? It's full of Welsh people for a start. Bolton will have to rely on the one thing the Welsh can't possibly have: British Grit. But it'll be tough.
Verdict: 0-0

Wigan v Fulham
For me this is already a six-pointer Fulham have struggled away from home and could find themselves in a bit of trouble if there form doesn't continue and Wigan are just too foreign to not be considered relegation candidates. Both these sides will be desperate to win this game but only one will.
Verdict: 0-0

West Brom v Liverpool
Now that Liverpool have a British manager rather than a string of foreigners they seem to be on the right path at last. Yes they lost to West Brom last year but with King Kenny at the helm it can't happen this year. As Winston Churchill said "lightening doesn't strike in the same place twice." There have been accusations that Suarez is a diver and I hope he cuts that out of his game, maybe now Steven Gerrard's back I'm sure he'll have a word with him about how to stay on your feet.
Verdict: 0-2

Tottenham v QPR
This is probably the easiest game of the week to predict. Tottenham are showing the sort of form that will get them into the top four and QPR just aren't good enough to ever beat a top four team.
Verdict: 3-0

Stoke v Newcastle
Everyone knows that the Britannia Stadium is the toughest place in the world for any team to go to. Except for Stoke, they seem to do alright there. But have Newcastle got what it takes to out-Stoke Stoke? They literally might do. But also maybe not. It'll probably be a draw.
Verdict: 0-0

Dave Pundit's Predictions 22/10/11

Hi I'm Dave Pundit. I personally think the idea of a Great Britain team for the Olympics is marvellous and I think it should become the norm for things like the World Cup and European Championships. In fact I can't believe it's taken this long to come about. Just think of some of the fantastic players that they could have put into the England team. George Best, Ryan Giggs, Robbie Keane. The list is endless.

Wolves v Swansea
After a bright start Wolves have gone off the boil a bit and are now down in the doldrums. Now I'm not the type to deal in cliches but if Mick McCarthy's boys don't pull thei fingers out they could be down a certain creek without a paddle if you know what I mean? Luckily Swansea are Welsh so Wolves should have no troubles here.
Verdict: 2-0

Aston Villa v West Brom
With derby games all the usual rules go out of the window, form doesn't matter, the fact that Villa have a proper English manager and West Brom have some foreign bloke called Woy doesn't matter, all that matters is the passion on the pitch. That's why these games are so hard to predict but it's a lazy pundit that just plumps for a draw in games like these.
Verdict: 1-1

Bolton v Sunderland
It saddens me to see two proper northern teams doing so poorly but the buck has to stop with the managers. And they should blame the chairmen, who should blame the players and the buck should stop there, with the players blaming the manager. This will be a tight game but home advantage can play a massive part in these tense sort of matches. Home and advantage and grit. But it's hard to say which team has more of those things.
Verdict: 1-2

Newcastle v Wigan
If someone had told me at the start of the season that Newcastle would be unbeaten after eight games I'd've told them to go back to punditing school but Newcastle have surprised everyone and I can't see any reason why they can't remain unbeaten for the rest of the season and if they don't I'll hand in my diploma of punditry.
Verdict: 2-1

Liverpool v Norwich
When I first heard the accusations that Luis Saurez was a racist I thought 'he probably is, all them foreigners are'. Then I remembered he's a Liverpool player and as such he is clearly an honest man of integrity like all Scousers. Still Liverpool will put all these allegations behind them for this game. Norwich haven't been nearly as crap as I expected but they're no Liverpool are they?
Verdict: 3-0

Arsenal v Stoke
Do you know what I like about Stoke? They understand that kicking your opponent is as much a part of the game as pulling their shirts and sneakily swinging your elbow into someones face. That's what football's all about. Plus they have defenders that are over six foot, British players in the heart of midfield and players that aren't afraid to get red carded every now and then. If Arsenal had any of those things they'd be a far better team than they are.
Verdict: 0-1

Fulham v Everton
Everton have made a reputation as being one of the most consistent teams in the league but they've always been a bit hit and miss. Fulham on the other hand are hard to predict. It really depends on what teams turn up on Sunday. I reckon it'll be Fulham and Everton.
Verdict: 2-2

Man Utd v Man City
There is much talk of a power shift in Manchester but as Winston Churchill once said "with great power comes great responsibility." And I'm not sure Man City are responsible enough yet to be Champions. Man utd on the other hand bleed responsibility, just look at the likes of Rooney, Ferdinand and Giggs, three more responsible men you couldn't hope to find.
Verdict: 2-1

Blackburn v Tottenham
When Blackburn got taken over recently there was a lot of talk about big money signings and pushing for trophies and that hasn't really materialised. Let's face it only one of these teams has ever looked like they could win the Premier League and that's Tottenham. Blackburn just aren't a big enough club to ever challenge for the title.
Verdict: 0-3

QPR v Chelsea
Put simply QPR have got as much chance of winning this game as that bottle of gin in my cupboard has got of staying unopened. Now while I pour myself a quick G&T let's all take a minute to think about Gin Terry. I mean John Tonic. I mean John Terry a true English Gin of a man.
Verdict: 0-4

Dave Pundit's Predictions 15/10/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. The subject of gambling in sport has reared it's ugly head again. In fact the only subject that rears it's ugly head more at the moment is Carlos Tevez. I personally can't see the problem with sportsmen gambling. I remember when I was at Liverpool an up and coming young defender bet me he'd play more first team games than me, but I showed him. I shattered his fibula in training and he was out for a year and played no games. Nothing gave me greater pleasure than at the end of the season when I could rub it in his teenage, Captain Scarlet looking face that it was a draw.

Liverpool v Man Utd
I find it ridiculous that Wayne Rooney has been banned for the first three games of Euro 2012, he's the white Pele for God's sake. Still England's loss is Man Utd's gain and the partnership he's struck up with Ashley Young - the black Pele - is something England will never have. However, they're coming up against an in form Liverpool side who'll be boosted by the return of Steven "The other white Pele" Gerrard. Let's just hope none of these Peles end up firing blanks.
Verdict: 1-1

Man City v Aston Villa
Turbulent times at Man City and I personally blame Mancini for signing an Argentinian in the first place. Does he not remember the Falklands? You wouldn't catch the likes of Alex Ferguson doing that. In many ways Alex McLeish is the new Alex Ferguson. He's Scottish and he's a manager. It's uncanny. I think this will be a close run thing.
Verdict: 2-2

Norwich v Swansea
Last year I wouldn't have had to have pretended to have an opinion on what is clearly a substandard fixture. But this year I can't wait to see this titanic struggle between two teams in the greatest league in the world. Even if one of the teams is Welsh.
Verdict: 0-0

QPR v Blackburn
QPR have been pretty hit and miss this year as have Blackburn. So this is game is a pundit's nightmare. It's literally unpredictable.
Verdict: 2-0

Stoke v Fulham
Stoke are the last great old-fashioned football team. From top to bottom they exude the sort of values that seem to have been lost from the beautiful game. Not for them the fancy passing, clean tackling or entertaining football. No, they've stuck to their guns and you have to respect them for that. In many ways they're the footballing equivalent of that most enduring of haircuts; the mullet. Fulham on the other hand are possibly a short back and sides, a bit boring but perfectly acceptable. Until they stop hiring foreign managers they'll never have the class of the business on top, party at the back look.
Verdict: 2-1

Wigan v Bolton
A few years ago this would've been a fixture I would've gone out of my way to see. Two northern teams full of northern journeymen kicking lumps out of each other. But now they've gone and tried to play football and it's all gone to pot. It's no wonder they're both relegation fodder this year.
Verdict: 0-1

Chelsea v Everton
I can't believe Rodwell's red card has been overturned. It was a terrible challenge, one-footed and his follow through didn't even look vaguely like it would injure someone. He should be ashamed. Still even with Rodwell Everton won't be able to beat Chelsea. Not with the mighty John Terry. Villas-Boas may be trying to get Chelsea to play fast, flowing football but not even that can stop John Terry. He's a machine, a proper British one, like a Rover or an Amstrad. Built to last.
Verdict: 3-0

West Brom v Wolves
This is a derby that is close to my heart. Not that I ever played for either of these teams, nor have I ever been to the Black Country, nor do I care about the result it's just that a Brummie friend of mine once tattooed West Brom v Wolves on my chest while I was drunk.
Verdict: 1-1

Arsenal v Sunderland
Arsenal are in a run of awful form and long may it continue. They aren't, and have never been, a top four quality side and I think the fans are right to call for Wenger's head. Steve Bruce is another manager who is under pressure but I think they need to give him time, he's done a lot of great things in his career and to want any manager sacked at this stage of the season is just a joke.
Verdict: 0-1

Newcastle v Tottenham
The Toon Army are still unbeaten this season but I think they'll struggle against a Tottenham team fresh off the back of a North London derby win. Tottenham have proved time and time again that they are one of the four best teams in the country and Newcastle will have their work cut out here.
Verdict: 1-2

Dave Pundit's Predictions 01/10/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Sorry for the lack of predictions last week but it's been all go in the Pundit household recently. Channel 5 have been filming a pilot for a new reality show: The Only Way Is Pundit, following my family around for a couple of weeks. Unfortunately the show has now been binned after my brother Julian decided to show everyone his immaculate cockjazzle. I think mum must've dropped him on his head when he was little or something.

Everton v Liverpool
Having played in more than my fair share of Merseyside derbies - one - I can honestly say this is the biggest game of the year. It should be a cracking game mainly because Everton will be soundly thrashed. King Kenny will lead Liverpool to glory you mark my words. And I'd just like to say I've always had the utmost respect for his wife, the Queen.
Verdict: 0-3

Aston Villa v Wigan
Aston Villa are a good mid-table club not brilliant but not awful whereas Wigan are distinctly average. I think that gulf in class will show in this match and Aston Villa will literally walk it.
Verdict: 2-1

Blackburn v Man City
The big talking point of the week was clearly Carlos Tevez refusing to play for City in Europe. This is typical of the modern day foreign footballer. I never once refused to play. If I fancied a day off I just turned up to the match even more drunk than usual. Tevez behaviour was disgusting, I bet he's never even had a drink in his life. I hope Blackburn stuff them.
Verdict: 1-0

Man Utd v Norwich
Man Utd have had terrible luck with injuries but they've kept plugging away. There's no shame in a draw away to Stoke. We all know even the likes of Messi couldn't cope with the Brittania. In fact I doubt Messi would've got anywhere near Crouch for his goal. Norwich should try and follow Stoke's example and ditch any attempts to play football. Unfortunately I imagine they'll try and pass it and retain possession or something. You won't win anything like that.
Verdict: 2-0

Sunderland v West Brom
Sunderland have been pretty shaky at the start of the season and Titus Bramble's arrest won't help matters. Drugs I can understand but sexual assault? What on earth is wrong with footballers these days? With the amount of money they earn you'd think they could pay for a hooker. Still without Bramble's British grit at the back they might struggle to cope with West Brom's own British powerhouse, Shane Long.
Verdict: 1-2

Wolverhampton v Newcastle
Newcastle have been the suprise package in the league this year but Wolves have a few suprises of their own. Both teams have been punching above their weight and I think that's down to the managers Alan Pardew and Mick McCarthy you wouldn't catch either of them in a relegation battle. So two in-form teams, full of confidence and playing well, this should be a cracker, lets hope they cancel each other out completely.
Verdict: 0-0

Bolton v Chelsea
The Reebok Stadium used to be a fortress now it's more like a fort made by a child out of sofa cushions and blankets. But that fort will be crushed by Chelsea's bombardment. And leading that bombardment will be John Terry and he's the type that even if he can't breech your defences in a full on assault will smash your backdoor in as soon as look at you. He's an example to us all.
Verdict: 0-2

Fulham v QPR
As Winston Churchill said "If you're tired of London you're tired of life" and let's face it if you're not tired of life you're probably doing it wrong. Quite frankly I'm tired of London derby games. There seems to be one each week if I never see another one it'll be too soon.
Verdict: 1-1

Swansea v Stoke
Stoke are the archetypal English team, strong defence, big man upfront and a complete lack of skill. It makes you proud to be English. Swansea on the other hand are the archetypal Welsh team. Crap.
Verdict: 0-2

Tottenham v Arsenal
Now this is a proper derby game. The North London derby is always a good game and hopefully this year will be even better because Arsenal are terrible. Spurs should get a cricket score here. They've got a good English spine and a few crunching tackles from the likes of Ledley King should shatter Arsenal's French fancies' fragile knees.
Verdict: 1-0

Dave Pundit's Predictions 17/09/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. I noticed this week that the Rugby World Cup was on. I didn't watch it, I just happened to be in the pub at 8 in the morning and suddenly I had to queue to get my full Scotch breakfast. I heard afterwards that it was a tedious, boring, low scoring game anyway. I'll probably watch it this week. Anyway on with real sport.

Blackburn v Arsenal
In midweek Arsenal struggled to an embarrassing 1-1 draw in Europe, that's just not good enough. Apparently they also only fielded one Frenchman, so now they're not only a disgrace to England they're also a disgrace to their home nation. Let's hope Blackburn stuff them.
Verdict: 2-1

Aston Villa v Newcastle
The difference between these two teams is the way they're run, Aston Villa have some ridiculous yank in charge whereas Neecastle are a properly run English club with a great chairman. Luckily though Villa's boss has seen enough sense to appoint an English manager at last so this should be a close game.
Verdict 1-1

Bolton v Norwich
Bolton suffered a heavy defeat against Man Utd last time out, the fans must be wishing for a return to the good old days, Owen Coyle seems to insist on them playing football, you never got that with Gary Megson. Norwich got some bad decisions last week but you can't keep moaning about them. Just get on with it.
Verdict: 2-2

Everton v Wigan
Is it even worth Wigan turning up? The players might as well just give the game a miss and go to the pub. That's what my manager always told me to do for games against superior opposition anyway.
Verdict 2-0

West Brom v Swansea
I've still not worked out what country Roy Hodgson from, I mean what is that accent? Still at least they've got some good British steel up front in Shane Long. As for Swansea, you can say what you like about the Welsh.
Verdict: 1-0

Wolves v QPR
There seems to be a huge circus that follows Joey Barton around but let's hope he doesn't distract from what could be a real battle, with crunching tackles, red cards and bad behaviour. That's what football's all about not Joey Barton.
Verdict: 0-0

Tottenham v Liverpool
You can't blame Harry Redknapp for resting players midweek, he will have had both eyes on his toughest fixture of the season this weekend. As for Liverpool they got a lot of poor decisions last week and they have every right to complain. Jamie Carragher penalised for hauling someone down in the box? It's a disgrace, he's Jamie Carragher for God's sake, he can do whatever he likes.
Verdict: 1-2

Fulham v Man City
City will be licking their wounds after only managing a draw in Europe. Typical foreigner behaviour if you ask me. You wouldn't catch me licking a wound. I'm no wound licker me, in fact I'm whatever the opposite of a wound licker is. Anyway City will demolish Fulham's girly boys sadly.
Verdict: 0-3

Sunderland v Stoke
Winston Churchill said there are only two certainties in life: death and taxes. Unless you're Asamoah Gyan of course. All he has to look forward to is death. In football there are two certainties too. Rory Delap's long throw, Stokes long ball game and Sunderland not living up to expectations.
Verdict: 0-1

Man Utd v Chelsea
Utd have started brilliantly but this is there first real test. It'll be interesting to see how they do against another top four team. Chelsea of course have John Terry and he's a match for any team. He's a true England captain, he wouldn't go to a bar in New Zealand to throw dwarves, he's got a midget chucking pitch in his own house.
Verdict: 1-1

Dave Pundit's Predictions 10/09/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Recovering from my death has been no bed of roses I can tell you. For a start it's hard to claim benefits when you're legally dead. Now I'm no scrounger, not like those immigrants who come over here and steal our jobs, but I gave 10 years of my life to football and even paid tax for some of it so I think I'm owed a bit back. Worse than that though is that I've been removed from the Anfield Alumni list and all the privileges that come with it. No longer can I park for free anywhere in Liverpool. No longer am I allowed to book a room at the Adelphi per hour and apparently it seems I'm no longer welcome to turn up at Jason McAteer's house at three in the morning with a stripper dressed as a nun on my arm and crash in his spare room. His elderly mother sleeps in there now it seems.

Arsenal v Swansea
It was proved in mid-week that England are far stronger than Wales, but it's yet to be seen how Arsenal's Frenchies will fare. Perhaps if Arsenal had one Englishman in their squad - or a Welshman even, they wouldn't have been humiliated by Man Utd but they don't so I can't see them beating Swansea - who's very presence in the league is a disgrace - either.
Verdict 1-1

Everton v Aston Villa
After the last prediction it's good to be dealing with solid, English teams again with solid English managers. Moyes and McLeish will both be desperate to prove that their clubs can cope with selling their best players, and Arteta. This should be a real barn stormer.
Verdict 0-0

Man City v Wigan
Man City have clearly tried to buy the title and I for one don't think it should be allowed. Foreign owners flashing the cash is the biggest scourge in football. God knows who owns Wigan but I guess they're foreign. Why else would they hire Martinez. Sadly City will destroy them.
Verdict: 4-0

Stoke v Liverpool
As admirable as Stoke's attempts to buy everyone in football who is over 6' 2" is they will still be no match for the mighty Liverpool who's new owner has come in and wisely decided to buy the title. Top bloke.
Verdict
Verdict: 0-2

Sunderland v Chelsea
Sunderland have been very busy in the transfer window and have brought in some good, experienced, British grit in the shape of Wes Brown and John O'Shea but they'll still be no match for the true grit of John Terry. Although I must say when I saw True Grit I was a little disappointed, it didn't really show any of the best moments of John Terry's life. Winning the double, captaining England, mocking victims of 9/11, it left out all the heroic moments. Who knew he'd spent so much time as a cowboy though?
Verdict: 0-3

Wolverhampton v Tottenham
Wolves have made a fantastic start to the season. And that's all down to Mick McCarthy. Personally I think he's a shoe-in for the England job when Capello leaves. It's about time we went for someone who's England through and through rather than someone with managerial ability. Spurs have made a terrible start to the season but that's no fault of Redknapp. The famous wheeler dealer had his hands tied in the market so couldn't improve his squad. He should be given the England job where he can really utilise those skills.
Verdict: 2-2

Bolton v Man Utd
What a start to the season it has been for Man Utd, a lot of people questioned whether they had enough creativity in midfield but they forget that creating chances isn't what football's about. It's about having an English spine and Man Utd have that in spades. Rooney, Cleverley and Johnny Evans they're the future of England, trust me. I just can't see Bolton getting anything here, Man Utd scored 8 last time out but that never happens twice.
Verdict: 1-9

Norwich v West Brom
This is what Premiership football is all about. Two clubs who don't really deserve to be there battling it out in a game only about 12 people care about. It makes you proud to be English. Norwich should pip this due to West Brom's bizarre appointment of Roy Hodgson. Why must these clubs all go for foreign managers?
Verdict: 1-0

Fulham v Blackburn
What a super Sunday line up this is. No poncing about with players playing football on God's day with these games. I can see Blackburn really getting stuck in here and if Fulham leave with all their legs unbroken they should be given 3 points purely for their physical strength.
Verdict: 0-0

QPR v Newcastle
This game is really only interesting for the return of Joey Barton to Newcastle. Barton is my kind of footballer. No nonsense, violent and with a hair trigger. He was quite right to attack Gervinho for diving. God knows why Barton's gone to QPR though. Perhaps the proper clubs didn't like his tendency to put stupid quotes on that Tweeter thing. As Winston Churchill once said: Actions speak louder than words. Barton should go back to stubbing cigars out in people's eyes. Nothing speaks louder than that.
Verdict: 1-2

Dave Pundit's Season Preview

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. As the great Winston Churchill once said "Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated." It was touch and go for a while though. In fact my heart stopped for about 112 days. I'll tell you what when you wake up in a coffin you thank your lucky stars your blood/alcohol levels were far too high for you to be cremated. But I knew I had to dig my way out of the hole, I'd left most of a pint on the bar. Anyway you might wonder why I didn't come back and start punditing straight away, with my death my punditry licence had expired so I had to drum up another five grand to renew it. Luckily my brother Julian was more than happy to be pimped out for my needs so here I am back and raring to go for the new season. Here are my predictions:

Champions: Chelsea.

People say to me that they've got an ageing team but a wise man, probably Winston Churchill, once said you don't win anything with kids and that's never been proved wrong. Plus Chelsea still have the world's greatest Englishman, John Terry. He ages like a fine wine. He's robust, full of character and likes to get women drunk.

Runners Up: Liverpool

Having finally got rid of a long line of foreign managers; Gerard Houllier, Rafa Benitez and Roy Hodgson (God knows where he was from but I couldn't understand a single word he said.) Liverpool have finally got some good British grit in. From the chairman to the manager Liverpool are back to being English through and through. And it shows with the signings they've made no one knows how to find a bargain like King Kenny. £20m for Downing? He's an England international for crying out loud. If Arsenal can ask for £40m for a Spanish squad player surely Downing should be worth twice that. Well done Kenny, astute as ever.

FA Cup and Champions League: Man Utd

What can you say about Man Utd that hasn't been said before? That they're better than Barcelona that's what. They'll walk the Champions League this year, Barcelona may have the likes of Messi, Xavi and that Biscuits bloke but Man Utd have Rooney, Young and Ferdinand now look at those and ask yourself who are the real world beaters? Man Utd will truly prove they can beat anyone in Europe when they win the FA Cup too.

Carling Cup: Stoke

They've tasted success and they'll want more. Their no-nonsense approach to football will once again show all those fancy dans who think passing has a place in our national sport that they're wrong. As wrong as having a mixer with your whiskey.

Relegation: Swansea, West Brom, Wigan

Usually I'd have Arsenal in there but there place as the league's least British team has been trumped by Swansea. A Welsh team in the English Premier League? It's ridiculous. I mean it was bad enough when they let Newcastle in. Let's hope Swansea go back to where they belong - Cardiff. Wigan will struggle with the foreign Martinez and West Brom will have no chance with Foreign Woy in charge.