Dave Pundit's FA Cup Final Prediction

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. The FA Cup is the ultimate footballing tournament. Unlike the Champions League it can't be tainted by foreigners using fancy dan passing moves. It can only be won by a true English team. It can also be won by true underdogs as Cardiff proved last year by coming runners up.

This year Everton are the underdogs but unlike Cardiff they aren't facing a rubbish team like Portsmouth, they're facing Chelsea. Let's not forget if it wasn't for Man Utd and Liverpool Chelsea would be the best team in England and therefore the world.

And they have John Terry. The FA Cup could have almost been made for John Terry. He is literally the grittiest player I have ever seen. I imagine he eats pure granite for breakfast, lunch and dinner and then has a cup of cocoa before bed, just to settle his iron stomach.

John Terry is so English he makes Richard The Lionheart look French. He's so British that he can only be described as a Brit because the 'ish' makes it look less definite. He's so strong he could arm wrestle Geoff Capes with his eyes. And win.

In fact I doubt John Terry has ever lost in his life. Maybe Man Utd could have done with him against Barcelona. I can't see Terry slipping up in a Champions League Final. And he certainly wouldn't have let Eto'o come inside him like Vidic did. No, if anything it would have been Terry shafting Eto'o, and I for one would've paid good money to see that.

John Terry is such an amazing leader that it doesn't even matter that Chelsea have a Dutch bloke for a manager. What do the Dutch know about football? In England we eat, drink and sleep football, it's in our blood. It's almost total football, what would the Dutch know about that? They're too busy smoking funny stuff to care. You wouldn't catch me poisoning myself like that. It'd probably play havoc with my new liver anyway.

Back to the match, I think it'll be close right up until kick off and then Chelsea will walk it. And when we see John Terry lift that famous trophy above his head we'll all be able to raise a glass to a true Englishman, safe in the knowledge that he'll celebrate his victory in a manner befitting the England captain. He'll get wasted and punch a bouncer.

Verdict Chelsea 2 - Everton 1

Dave Pundit's Champion's League Final Prediction

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Many people think that the Champions League is the biggest trophy in world football. Those people are foreign. Other countries don't have such glorious competitions as the Premier League, the FA Cup and the Carling Cup.

I was actually offered tickets for the final but I didn't fancy it. I've been to Rome before it was awful, you couldn't get a good meal anywhere. I went to a restaurant and ordered a pizza and it was all thin and crunchy. Why do foreigners have to try and mess around with good old British food?

I've also heard that there is a ban on alcohol before the game. What a ludicrous rule that is. Quite frankly it was bad enough trying to play football sober without having to watch it without booze too.

Anyway as for the game itself I can't see anything other than a resounding victory for Man Utd. Barcelona have less English players than Arsenal. Where's the grit? Where's the determination? Where's the bulldog spirit? Wayne Rooney has the bulldog spirit. He even looks like a bulldog. None of the Barcelona team look like dogs. Not even poodles.

There is also the chance that Thierry Henry won't be able to play for Barcelona. Not that he'd make much difference. If he was good enough to play in England he'd have moved to an English club by now. But he hasn't which speaks volumes to me.

Verdict Man Utd 4 - Barcelona 1.

Dave Pundit's Predictions 24/05/09

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. The last day of the season is often one of the most tense days for the players. You just have to go out and play your natural game and hope you don't pick up a bad injury before your holiday to Spain. One year I broke three fingers on the last day of the season, it was awful, have you ever tried pinching a Spanish waitresses bum with your fingers wrapped in bandages. It's time like that I wish I was ambidextrous.

Arsenal v Stoke
Arsenal only have a couple of good players; Walcott and Gibbs but hopefully they'll be able to add to the English contingent over the summer either that or just go and play in France where they belong. Stoke have lots of tall players so they should give Arsenal's foreign midgets a hard time here.
Verdict 1-2

Aston Villa v Newcastle
Can Newcastle stay up? Yes. Do any of the other teams have a local hero managing them? No. Sometimes football is as simple as that. You can go around complicating it by not allowing back passes or two footed tackles but somethings never change and local heroes are one of those things. Look at Liverpool in their pomp players like Dalglish, Souness and Hansen would've given anything for their local club.
Verdict 0-1

Blackburn v West Brom
This will be West Brom's toughest challenge in their short Premier League careers. In some ways they're lucky they've already gone down you wouldn't want to go to fortress Ewood needing three points on the last day the only thing West Brom will get here is literally the most violent beating of their lives.
Verdict 2-0

Fulham v Everton
Fulham will be looking to secure the final Europa cup spot or whatever they're blooming calling it now. I mean what's the point of that? Who'd want to play in something called Europa? They could at least call it the Europa and Britain cup. I think our continent needs the recognition too.
Verdict 1-1

Hull v Man Utd
Will Man Utd field a weakened team? Who cares, they're the champions the can do what they like. What's the point in winning if you can't then treat the rest of the losers with contempt?
Verdict 0-2

Liverpool v Tottenham
Liverpool will have to be wary of Tottenham's British spine of Woodgate, Jenas and Keane, I just hope Rafa has done his homework on them. Keane especially could be an unknown force to the Liverpool boss.
Verdict 2-1

Man City v Bolton
Does this game matter? Of course it does, it involves Bolton. Man City will know they've been in a game here. Unless they're unconscious, which is a possibility when facing the likes of Kevin Davies. Now I've stopped playing I can appreciate what these games are about; crippling an opposing player just because you've heard they'll be going somewhere nicer than you on holiday. What's wrong with two weeks on a cheap package holiday in Spain? Nothing. At least you can get a proper English breakfast.
Verdict 0-0

Sunderland v Chelsea
Poor Sunderland, the last day of the season and still needing 3 points to guarantee safety and then they come up against John Terry. Let's face it John Terry is as likely to give away three points as I am to give up my anal virginity.
Verdict 0-2

West Ham v Middlesbrough
I'd never ask for a manager's head but both these guys should go. Southgate because he's rubbish and Zola because he's an ugly little Italian midget. Both of them would probably rather see good, attractive football than the proper British game.
Verdict 1-1

Wigan v Portsmouth
You know what? Who cares?
Verdict 0-0

Dave Pundit's Predictions17/05/09

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Like all footballers of my generation, and entirely unlike all the money grabbing, overpaid popinjays that play the game to day, I do my bit for charity. Only last week I gave a tramp a tenner to buy some beer. And when he got back I even let him have one.

Man Utd v Arsenal
Much to the disappointment of Liverpool fans everywhere I can't see anything but a Man Utd win here, meaning they'll retain the title. But Liverpool fans shouldn't blame their team. They should blame Arsenal. They just haven't got the guts to win this sort of game. They lack, what I would call, British players.
Verdict 2-0

Bolton v Hull
What a corker this match is going to be. Hull have everything to fight for whereas Bolton just like to fight. I think I'm literally going to explode with excitement.
Verdict 0-0

Everton v West Ham
A lot of people expect me to dislike Everton due to the almost six games I played for Liverpool. But Everton have two things going for them; they're northern and their manager is English. West Ham have neither of those things so I can't see anything other than win for the Toffees here.
Verdict 1-0

Middlesbrough v Aston Villa
After losing to Newcastle Middlesbrough are as good as down. But the chairman has stated that Gareth Southgate will keep his job. Why? He's clearly rubbish. He got you relegated for God's sake. Sack him. Sack him now.
Verdict 0-2

Newcastle v Fulham
I'd never want a manager to be sacked but when Joe Kinnear could no longer manage Newcastle it was good news for everyone. I just don't think Kinnear had enough heart for the job. Tactics and experience are all well and good but everyone knows that what a club needs is a good local boy to manage them. That's why Kenny Dalglish was so good at Liverpool. I back to Shearer to get the win here because I have no idea where Roy Hodgson is from.
Verdict 2-1

Stoke v Wigan
Both of these teams are playing for pride but unlike foreigners us Brits rate pride higher than actually winning stuff so this game should be a cracker. Rory Delap's throw could be the difference here if I'd had something that long and hard when I was playing I'd've put it to good effect too.
Verdict 1-0

Tottenham v Man City
Spurs are still pushing for Europe and Man City might be as well. I can't really remember. To be honest if it's not a title decider or a relegation dogfight at this stage of the season who cares? Well Robbie Keane probably does, like all good Brits he's a caring person. Not like foreigners. If foreigners were caring how do you explain Hitler?
Verdict 1-0

West Brom v Liverpool
Liverpool will fight to the very end, as long as there's mathematical hope they'll want to win the title. West Brom on the other hand are down and out. Not mathematically of course but that's not the sort of thing footballers think about.
Verdict 0-3

Chelsea v Blackburn
Chelsea would be wise to rest players for the FA cup here because lets face it, whoever you put out against one of Big Sam's team you can guarantee 50% will get injured. Not John Terry though, he doesn't need rest, he's like an insomniac on speed but in a good way.
Verdict 2-0

Portsmouth v Sunderland
Sunderland will be hoping that results will go there way over the weekend and they'll be safe by the time they play this match, if that's the case then no one will care about the result at all so I might as well predict something crazy.
Verdict 1-1

Dave Pundit's Predictions 09/05/09

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. As the season draws to a close we can only thank our lucky stars that we aren't Spanish, their season goes on for ages, or from some weird northern country like Norway. Their season has only just begun. Football's fantastic, don't get me wrong, but you don't want it to get in the way of summer days in a beer garden do you? Still some games still have some meaning so I suppose I should probably keep on predicting scores and stuff.

Blackburn v Portsmouth
Do you know I'd never heard of Paul Hart until he took over Pompey? And do you know why? It's because he's a nobody. Sam Allardyce on the other hand has the word 'big' as a prefix to his name therefore he must be a somebody. When I was at Tranmere they called me 'Dangerous' Dave, and not just because I nearly killed three squad members in a freak car accident. I also broke a guys leg in training. Nicknames are the way forward.
Verdict 2-0

Bolton v Sunderland
Sunderland have struggled more than a bag full of kittens thrown into a river recently. Whereas Bolton have fought like dogs to stay out of the relegation places. Let's face it we all know what happens when dogs fight cats, carnage. Let's hope that rings true for this game.
Verdict 1-1

Everton v Tottenham
Everton are virtually assured of a place in Europe next season but let's not take that away from them. They've been one of the four or five best teams in the country and I think sixth place will do their performances justice. However they may struggle against Spurs who, outside of the top four, are probably the best team in the country. Can Everton's defence match Robbie Keane for British steel? I think not.
Verdict 0-1

Fulham v Aston Villa
If you'd offered Villa 5th place at the start of the season they'd have bitten your hand off, so it's probably just as well you didn't offer it to them isn't it? Could you survive without a hand? I know I couldn't. I've been married three times, my hand is all the pleasure I get.
Verdict 1-1

Hull v Stoke
Stoke have done brilliantly to all but secure a Premiership place next season, but let's face it this is a lower league match and no amount of pundit flim-flammery is going to change that.
Verdict 0-1

West Brom v Wigan
Why West Brom maintain the pretence that they might stay up is beyond me. They can play all the lovely passing football they want but it wont win them games. I never learnt to pass in my life and I played for Liverpool almost six times. Wigan will stroll this one.
Verdict 0-0

West Ham v Liverpool
West Ham might as well not bother turning up for this one. Rafa Benitez is a good foot taller than Gianfranco Zola and the Liverpool team are even taller. They're literally heads and shoulders above West Ham.
Verdict 0-2

Man Utd v Man City
Sir Alex Ferguson v Mark Hughes. It's like an episode of The Apprentice if only Alan Sugar knew anything about football. Having said that, does Hughes have a knighthood? No. A Man Utd win it is. Sir Alan Sugar would probably approve, he looks like the sort of type who'd support Man Utd. Knights of the realm tend to stick together.
Verdict 2-1

Arsenal v Chelsea
Being knocked out of the semi-finals of the Champions League will have really knocked the stuffing out of Chelsea, so Arsenal will have the advantage here. However, they won't have John Terry. He's not the sort of player to miss out on a Champions League medal and cry about it. He's as strong as an ox. Maybe two. I'm not really sure how strong oxen are.
Verdict 1-2

Newcastle v Middlesbrough
It would be a cowardly pundit that predicted this make or break match to be a draw.
Verdict 1-1

Dave Pundit's Player Of The Year Nominees

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. I could of course make predictions for tonight's Champions League matches but everything I said in my last prediction still holds true. Man Utd and Chelsea will both win it's the only way to get the all-English final that football deserves. And I'd hate to be in danger of repeating myself. That's just not my style at all.

So instead of repeating myself - which is just not my style at all - I shall instead give you a list of the nominees for Dave Pundit's Player of The Year. The results will be revealed at the end of the season.

Steven Gerrard
Mr Liverpool has, as always, been fantastic. He can pick a pass, he can blaze a shot in from thirty yards and along with Jamie Carragher he single handedly won virtually all of Liverpool's games this season. Especially their stunning victory over Man Utd. Stevie G is not only a fantastic player he's also a fantastic example to the youngsters. In an age where foreigners will go down at the slightest hint of a touch Gerrard proves you don't have to dive to win matches. He's as honest as every good Scouser.

John Terry
If I didn't know better I'd swear John Terry was made entirely of grit. But I do know better. He's 50% grit, 50% determination and 50% hard work. Which all adds to 100% English lion. He's also the England captain which is fantastic, maybe by the next World Cup we'll be able to field an entire team of John Terry's. We'd be unbeatable, plus we wouldn't ever have the problem of having a player sent off because all referees know you can't send off the England captain.

Rio Ferdinand
A lot of people bemoan the loss of the beautiful game but I don't think anyone can question Ferdinand's beauty. But never let it be said he doesn't know how to win ugly. In fact he's taken over from Steve Bruce in the Man Utd defence in that department. And I can think of no higher compliment.

Ryan Giggs
He's old, so he deserves a mention.

Robbie Keane
You may be able to spot the major difference between Keane and the other nominees, he's the only one who isn't one of the big four. But it's about time one of them gave him a chance, he'd set the premiership alight at one of the big clubs. However he does fit in to the list in another respect he's a true British great. In fact I don't think anyone would be offended if I said he was as English as Oliver Cromwell.

So there you have it. My nominees for Player of the Year and unlike the so called 'official' awards these ones aren't ruined by a bunch of foreign fancy dan players ruining our game with their skill, precision and ability. What place do attributes like that have in a player of the year competition? No one ever won a match by playing good football.