Dave Pundit's Predictions 31/12/11

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. I hate New Year's Eve. The pubs are packed with amateur drinkers, you have to pay to go into the same pub you've been drinking in for free all year and you can never get to the toilet because of all the twelve year old chavs snorting washing powder off the seats and thinking they're getting a real buzz. Listen to me, I sound like someone off that Grumpy Old Men programme, I hate that programme. It's just a bunch of old farts with no real problems pretending to hate stuff for a cheap laugh.

Liverpool v Newcastle
Poor old Liverpool, they're being persecuted from all sides at the minute. Sometimes it seems like I'm the only pundit who is on their side. It seems to me like the FA have got it in for Liverpool, they're trying to stop us being successful, give some other teams a chance to win something for once I guess. Still they won't stop us winning this match, Andy Carroll will want to show Newcastle what they're missing, they've struggled to replace the goals that he gets that's for sure.
Verdict: 2-0

Man United v Blackburn
It doesn't seem that long ago that people were writing off Man Utd's chances of winning the league and yet if they get even a point here they'll be top of the tree come the new year. It just goes to show that you can never, ever write Man Utd off and anyone who does is an idiot. They're unwriteoffable. They're just too good to write off. They won't win the league, obviously, but they'll destroy Blackburn.
Verdict: 4-0

Arsenal v QPR
Arsenal's season has really come off the rails in the last few weeks, they lost 1-0 to Man City and then could only manage a 1-1 against Wolves. They're shipping in goals left, right and centre. Quite frankly it's a lack of proper centre backs if you ask me. They're all about that attacking and flowing football and trying to win games nonsense. If it was up to me I'd play four centre backs in every game, but that's not the Arsenal way. QPR will probably only play two centre backs as well, but at least they might be English.
Verdict: 1-2

Bolton v Wolves
This is a fixture to die for. And I imagine someone of the players will literally die out there. Both teams are struggling for form and both teams would've hoped to avoid a relegation battle this season but they've been sucked in to one and it'll be a real dogfight to survive. This'll be an ugly, violent battle against two teams who look like they barely even know how to play the game, let alone play it well. This is the game of the weekend.
Verdict: 0-0

Chelsea v Aston Villa
This season has been a bit stop start for Chelsea but that's what you get when you make a twelve year old Spaniard your manager. Luckily they have a true leader in John Terry, the most English man since Braveheart. Villa on the other hand are led by some Scotsman. I mean I like the Scotch people, they make good whisky and they like a drink but ultimately they're still a bunch of skirt wearing pansies.
Verdict: 2-0

Norwich v Fulham
I used to know a fantastic footballer from Norwich. He had everything, pace, power and ability and he was two footed. Both of them right. They don't make players like that anymore though. I don't even know if any of the Norwich team are even from Norwich, but then I don't even know any of the Norwich team. Or the Fulham one. This'll probably be a draw I guess.
Verdict: 1-1

Stoke v Wigan
It's games like this that make me sad. Only one of these teams will come and play football while the other team will be trying to kick lumps out of the opposition and hoofing the ball up field. Why can't we just go back to the days when both teams were hoofing it? Let's hope the right team wins here.
Verdict: 1-0

Swansea v Tottenham
Tottenham's title challenge doesn't show any signs of slowing down and I can't see them losing against a bunch of leek eaters. Quite frankly the Welsh have never produced a footballer of any note. I reckon Gareth Bale will put at least three past them.
Verdict: 0-4

West Brom v Everton
The Everton fans have been protesting against Bill Kenwright but he's an Evertonian through and through so you can see why they don't trust him. To be honest I'm surprised the West Brom fans haven't protested against Roy Hodgson yet, but then they are Brummies so they're used to people speaking unintelligibly at them. They probably think Hodgson is English or something! Still I think Everton will give them something to complain about here.
Verdict: 0-2

Sunderland v Man City
Martin O'Neill has done wonders in his short time at Sunderland. It wouldn't surprise me if he told Bendtner and Cattermole to get nicked. Nothing spurs a team on like having a couple of your players arrested. I used to get arrested on a regular basis when I was at Tranmere and every time I was banged up their results improved dramatically. At one point the gaffer was trying to fit me up for a murder charge to get me sent away for years. Only one team is going to get murdered here though, and it's not Man City.
Verdict: 0-3